Not applicable. The poor also used to comprise the vast majority of the population—and would die at roughly the same rates as the rich.

Hey asshole, quit trying to interfere with my self-pity party.

Skynet's too busy being rebooted to take over.

If Hollywood has taught us anything, it's that there's nothing more repulsive than a woman in her 40s.

If you're a 49ers fan, every season is the offseason.

I've never bought that "true nature of humanity is revealed" line whenever people do or say terrible things on the Internet. You have people working through a medium that strips away most of one's self-identity and sense of responsibility—not to mention the social and empathetic benefits of face-to-face interaction,…

I think my favorite is the Statue of Liberty Yelp reviews: "The statue itself was confused and sort of just stood there. we waited maybe 10 minutes before getting hit with a major bummer: the statue of liberty is actually a ripoff of the statue of weather."

My experience with Facebook improved tremendously once I put in the effort to figure out how their labyrinthine privacy and notifications systems actually work. This allowed me to cull my news feed of shit posters. Now I can wish my uncle a happy birthday without ever having to learn what he thinks of Obama.

You'll want to save something for the convention.

*Meth Lab Shenanigans's numbers surge in the Republican primary polls*

Can't wait to not be able to remember what day it is in 2037.

2 Righteous 2 Wrathful

So what I took away from this Newswire is… Hans Zimmer is Chuck from Better Call Saul?

Yes! This!

I might be able to out-snark you by suggesting that the original Alone in the Dark is my favorite Resident Evil game.

Does the shariah law come before or after the gay marriages? Enquiring minds want to know.

So where does this rank among assassinating Scalia, being a secret radical Muslim plant, and paving the way to forced socialist gay marriages for all?

I'm assuming his replacement will be rastafied by 30%.

Swift burn, bro.

Press B to vomit in your lap.