Relatedly, I’ve been told before that people who say “to be honest” mean “my next statement is a lie” but I don’t buy that. In my personal experience, “to be honest” means “my next statement will not be taken well.” Which could be good or bad, depending on what it is, but I don’t think it’s inherently negative.

Fire, fury, and the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you ever saw.

If only adoption was an option...

My family life is a fucking shit show right now, and the other night I had a dream that Chris Hemsworth developed an instant, hard crush on me because he thought I was cute, and spent an afternoon flirting with me in the most charming way. It was a gift from the universe at a totally shitty time, and therefore…

I don’t understand the concept of meal kits when you can:

Holy shit! I read it! Fuck!

Yup. In the morning, I’m filling my gym bag and mentally sorting through my schedule to make sure I get out if work in time to make a class.

I feel lazy and inspired! After reading that Liz Smith post, old age seemed like a transition to a life with little excitement. This lady is so awesome. But I’m in my thirties and I have trouble talking myself into leaving my couch, so I can only hope maybe I’ll develop into an active older lady because I’m definitely…

Never mind that, how are they going to explain who’s sleeping where to Mr. Roper???

On Bran: right?! Like, seriously, what the fuck was that? “It’s snowing, just like that day...it was beautiful...you, in your wedding white...I’m talking about when you got brutally raped btw...I saw it, with my magical eye...I’m the Three-Eyed Raven...don’t ask me to explain, it’s too complicated for you ” Dafuq!

I hear you! Well, be safe! Bring a can of pepper spray ... just in case. ;)

I’m really excited about the AirBnB reservation I just made a couple of hours ago, yeah.

Some of us had dreams, tho. Like becoming a dentist.

Really unfair to actual Keebler elves who, among other things, ensure I have delicious Grasshopper cookies to snack on.

But which female SNL actor will portray him?? That is the real question.

Machete Girl was left shark

Machete Girl was unimpressed by the whole thing. She’s standing in between a guy with a machete and a guy with a trash can and seems totally unconcerned that she might accidentally get caught up in the melee. Then Machete Guy taps out, gets in the car, and she’s like, “nah, I’ll just wait here a minute.”

I feel like the moral barometer might be different for most folks than it is for someone who thought hooking up with R. Kelly was a good idea a year ago.

Just say “It’s lovely to meet you, can’t wait to get a chance to chat over dinner and see some of Paris”.