Storage Wars meets Blue October? I like it! Very much so in fact.

"Me and my cousin used to rate the girls between 1 and 10. The highest number got to be my pillow's pretend." Who hasn't been there, sir?

ONLY $2.99? I say priceless.

Bela Lugosi approves.

"...Ray Rice, something something, Big Bang Theory."

It'd be a whole lot cooler if he was.

Shitbags who beat their women AND shitbags who enable shitbags who beat their women need to be exiled from the league on the spot. There, fixed that for ya.

Done and done.

I LOVE that the article alludes to the kids' ages just to cover it's tracks in order to oh-so-covertly point out the adult's age gap. It's all relative, man. 8, 24, 10, 41.

How much effort would I have to put forth in order to have a Deadspin staffer on as a call in guest interview for my movie based podcast?

This is the part where we get to rip on Jim Irsay for getting pulled over while shitfaced with $29,000 in cash and a briefcase and laundry bag filled with pills.

Completely unrelated. GQ is having a problem issuing me a profile. Your revised Ten Commandments, amazing. Comment section = HOLY SHIT HILARIOUS! "Ok funny man, let's see you mock Islam in the same manner," "Disgusting and disrespectful!... I'm thankful that Jesus is a loving and merciful God!!,"

Awesome. I didn't mean to assume (we all know where that leads, especially here). But, it seemed like you were boiling the movie down to that one point. Clearly you weren't. I couldn't agree more, the movie was spectacular! That's the amalgamation of talent, script, plot, casting, etc. that we need to see in a…

#nightlinediva

I know I'm going to regret this, but I'm not into that whole "self-preservation" thing. Did you see "Guardians of the Galaxy?"

On a related note:

But that defeats the purpose of pointing out that nothing will ever be enough.

Done properly...

If it shouldn't occur in the first place, then you need to tell Ray Rice and fuckheads of his ilk not to PUT THEIR HANDS ON WOMEN, WHICH YOU'VE NEVER DONE! Stop victim blaming fuck ass cock face.

But, he was SMOKING GRASS!