He can be on the show I'm currently shopping, its called "Bearded Weirdos Ruminate on Anal Sex." He is exactly the star I need to attach to this project to get it off the ground. My pilot is testing very well in the Bible-Belt.

Some of the same people who bleat about Pappy Duckhead's first amendment rights, threaten to kill me on a regular basis for exercising mine. We're a nation of rubber nose wearing imbeciles.

Fundamentalist Christians: We don't care about biblical views on crustaceans,bacon, cotton-poly blend clothing, working on Saturday, or that "the root of all evil is the love of money". But be careful where you insert that dick, cuz Deus le veult.

It seems like everyone in the world had more fun than me over the holidays.

Well, believe it.

I only take it when I REALLY need it. On average, I don't take more than one (or one half) per month. We also have fun addictive personalities to go with the other pot o' mental illness that runs in the fam.

Xanax is Super addictive. Chronic use ( not even abuse) will cause more problems than they initially "solve". Tolerance occurs with low prescribed doses. If you think you have depression and anxiety now, just wait until long term use hits you. For some people Benzos work as prescribed for many years, but the bottom…

Here are the things I will not consume while pregnant—cigarettes, hard drugs, certain medications that specifically have warning labels for pregnant women.

Okay, again, I have to check: STANDING NEXT TO SOMEONE is VIOLATING THEM? Just so I'm clear for the future.

Of course - when you're fat, you violate EVERYONE around you just by being!

Exactly. About 20 years ago my late brother and his friend went Christmas shopping at a Stroud's that was located in Santa Monica, California. According to them, the instant they entered the store they had no les than store personnel following them around no more than ten feet or so away. My brother and his friend…

Oh, God, I hope so. Now THEY will put his ass in prison.

My 2014 G. Zimmerman predictions involve the IRS.

You know, now I'm thinking switch my Sky and Nathan choices. The only thing is Sky sings more, and NPH is the better singer. But typewise, it would be better that way. So, NPH as Nathan, NF as Sky. Final answer.

Take back this remake, take back your pearls.

GUYS AND DOLLLSSS WE'RE JUST A BUNCHA CRAZY GUYS AND DOLLSS

Nope. I am and was aware that everyone of them is a Scientologist.

Maybe Saffy's daughter (Jane/Lola) comes on and wants to emulate Patsy? That would be epic...

Thank you Black Santa!!!

Dear tabloids: call me when you write a "George Clooney, sad and alone" story about how Clooney is usually with girlfriends for 2 years before breaking up, and the poor guy just can't catch a break.