It was nice of you to provide a genuine answer to an undoubtedly judgmental question.

One of my best girl friends was a regular church goer with a consistent 3.0 average all through school. She also had a binder full of hard core porn images she printed up using nothing but free Friday and Saturday nights, a dial up Internet connection, and a deep desire to see well hung men.

Thanks, Obama!

I am curious how she’s going to write a hand job into a song. And what will the title be? Maybe The Moment I Knew (You Got a Hand Job From a Masseuse).

This gives her just enough time to write an entire album dedicated to what a terrible person Calvin Harris is, produce it and market it to her fans before she finds the next famous person to date and then find a reason to both dump and hate enough to write an album about. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I never thought I’d see the day when getaway drivers are being underbid by Uber. When is the state legislature going to do something about this?

You have it easy. There’s a name in my country that would be the worst fucking nightmare for anyone that has it and is planning on living in an English-speaking country. The name is Slave. It has nothing to do with the English noun, it is pronounced differently, but my god, I cannot think of a worse name... Mine’s not…

French, actually. It’s the feminized version of Jacques, which descends from the Hebrew Jacob.

I was applying my Japanese knowledge to try to remember what “ant” is, and just when I remembered (“ARI!”) I saw it was in your username. I feel a bit dumb.

We call that “Kevinismus” in Germany. English sounding names are/were pretty popular in the lower classes so they have earned a bad reputation here (also because those parents often couldn’t pronounce or spell these names properly). But in other countries they are completely normal names. You could take a list with…

No. I am not going to correspond with a professional person who lists that as their primary contact. Gmail is free. Make an account with a username that makes you look older than a fifteen year old horny person.

A lot of her actions don’t scream good parent to me, including her relentless bad mouthing of the kids’ father.

It means salmon in Swedish. I want it to be related. #notallfish

A bro who plays lacrosse. Lax is kinda like xmas.

I can’t believe they named their son Hermes. That’s so Lily van der Woodsen/Bass/Humphrey.

The State Department isn’t going to act unless they have cause? That is the funniest thing I’ve heard all day. They can, and do, act for any reason and no reason at all.

Because the State Department doesn’t tell you why your visa application is denied. They don’t tell you anything.

I wonder if they’re on LinkedIn.

I feel like she’s basically a prom queen except sadder because this isn’t high school anymore yet you’re still doing the same shit.