They don’t call it Stokealona for nothin’.

There is no way he learns and develops better under Hughes than Tuchel. Don't turn him into another Freddy Adu, he doesn't need to player every week.

Young players should never play. They need to be poured into oaken barrels and sealed firmly shut. The barrel containing a young prospect should then be transported into a cool, damp basement to be properly aged. After 3 to 10 years, at the discretion of the cellarmaster, the player can finally be unsealed to play for…

If he moves, fine, just stay away from that fuck Shawcross in training.

Fuck sticking around at a club known for giving young talent meaningful minutes. We all know the real test to see if a player is legit or not is to see if he can ball during a cold, rainy, night at the Bet365 Stadium

GQ’s Drew Magary weighs in:

Oh my god, I’m so sick of saying this, THAT’S NOT HOW THE FUCKING FIRST AMENDMENT WORKS.

I think that was supposed to be a Tourette’s joke.

So she got a worse suspension for calling a (cowardly) team cowardly than she did for knocking out her nephew?

U.S. Soccer is a bunch of hypocrites considering Tim Howard has been blurting out inappropriate things his entire career.

Does Rich Nichols think the US Soccer Federation is a branch of the government?

I like the idea of the marathon being a relay-type race. Wouldn’t be good for live coverage (would be over 9 hours total or so) but nice idea!

Swiming should be naked - no more of those stupid fancy suits, also make them swim in the ocean so more of this swimming pool crap (literally!)

I know this was joke Kinja, but obstacle course swimming actually does sound like a pretty decent event. As for the marathon relay, is that 4 people who run a full marathon total or 4 people running a full marathon each?

We need new events:

Wait, so in this version Ryan Lochte fucked up someone elses property, acted like an asshole, and didn’t actually lose any money. He is the Trump of Urinegate 2016.

So Lochte basically told the Cartman version of the story

KSK, gone but never forgotten.

Here’s the thing about being a Jets fan. It’s just so goddamn bland and generic. The best offensive player they had in my lifetime is either Curtis Martin or Keyshawn, both of whom will be remembered by fans of other teams as “pretty good”. Their best QB’s are either Noodle-Armed Chad or Vinny, both of whom are just…

You do you Jets.

Percentage of Deadspin commenters who have seen that episode, basketball shorts around their ankles, in their parents basement back in the day? I don't think I wanna know.