TFW your season’s over because of a gruesome injury but you don’t have to play for the 49ers for the rest of the year. 

Oh my god I just noticed that! I don’t know what’s worse, Mostert’s arm looking like Harry Potter after getting hit by the rogue bludger, or that atrocity. Jesus, send that guy AND his suit to Gitmo.

You know, when I read you talking smack about Napoleon Dynamite, I was in the middle of shouting “wait a minute” in my head before I realized: you know, I don’t think I’ve met a single black person that claims to have seen it or liked it. Is this one of those moments where I realize something I’ve accepted as…

You can get bojangles in VA, too, ya know. 

You’re wrong. End of discussion. 

Well, she lied about her age, so that’s kind of the main problem. Needless to say, I didn’t feel comfortable dating a 17 year old at 22, especially one without much experience in dating, and who also lied about her age.

First (and only) date with a girl I knew in Atlanta, we went and saw Thor (the first one) at a movie theatre where her ex was apparently the manager. Strike one. Strike two was when we were in the car and I was about to drive her home when she blurts out, “So, should I like blow you now, or whatever...?” Uh, WHAT?! I…

Not to crap on the Chiefs parade here, but I was stunned at how many times Denver was able to get people through that O-line. Blitzing all night can’t be easy to stop, but they weren’t stopping dick from what I saw. And not to mention their defense has given up over 20 points in each game. At some point relying on…

Jesus Christ on crackers, you’re telling me that Sam Bradford has made $130 mil for being Sam Bradford? People keep saying that most of the people in the Trump administration fail upwards but god damn that is some serious upward failing.

Nathan Peterman made Ryan Leaf recoil in horror. 

I’m not convinced that the flaming hot cheetos aren’t made out of recycled space age polymers and processed american cheese, fried then dipped in hydraulic fluid and rolled in cayenne pepper.

Truth. Can’t tell you how many times my mom would buy peppered turkey and it would disappear in two days and the bread was never used. Both my father and I didn’t need bread. Bread gets in the way of the meat. The peppered meat. 

Breakfast? No problem. Lose the protein shake though. You can get protein through chocolate milk (chocolate almond milk for the health conscious) instead.

“You can’t challenge after the snap”

“neither The Town nor the Departed was really that good, and you’re dirty cheaters.”

That tastes fucking amazing. Although it’s not worth the wait at the drive thru lines you see at lunch time. You’d think the Stones were playing there.

Ah, I should probably not just read the headline before making a comment.

Never in my life had the conversation, “Hey buddy, can you watch my dog for the weekend? Oh, and make yourself at home by the way. Feel free to watch TV, play around on the PS4, splooge on my couch, film a gay porno, GO NUTS!”

Lived in Savannah for a time. I actually kind of felt bad for the Bulldogs fans because Gators fan would always outnumber them no matter where you went, and they were always super obnoxious, because this was during Tebow’s big run at Florida, and they never shut up about the big dork at the time (Tebow crying during…

Beat me to it. Probably one of the dumbest things I ever heard. How the hell you gonna slow down the current that travels at light speed with a friggin clothespin? What a fecking moron.