And the sex isn't even that kinky. It's suburban culdesack bondage at best.

Alex from Target is a child who looks like a less-punchable Justin Bieber. Brian wins, hands down.

I used to be a size 22/24 and now I'm an 8/10. I found that plus sized clothes in general are more expensive, even at stores FOR plus sized women (hello, Lane Bryant). Coats, jeans, and good winter boots are things I am willing to spend a decent amount of money on, mainly for quality reasons (I treat myself to some…

Die on the moon, obviously. Come on!

Naomi Campbell's shade game is en pointe.

I paid $6 for that fucking book and I wasn't leaving until I got my money's worth.

It's just one of the many, many hints that Christian Grey is probably actually a serial killer.

Let's see...when she told him she needed space and went to visit her mother, and he found out her mother's address and showed up uninvited and unannounced? When he freaked out and held a grudge for months (possibly years) because she had drinks with her best friend after he told her she couldn't? When he basically…

The parts where he had sex with her after she said no, stalked her, and browbeat her into sexual acts she explicitly did not want.

1. This movie is going to completely blow up big at the box office, and be used as an example of a female led movie doing well, and I am sad about that. But such is life.

Best recap of 50 Shades, always and forever.

I wrote the exact same thing pretty much in my comment. The glider imagery made me think of The Thomas Crown Affair and both versions of those movies were super sexy because both characters were confident, sexy, powerful people in their own right!

I read the book thinking it was going to be funny-bad, and came away utterly horrified by a totally unsexy depiction of an abusive relationship. You should probably get drunk in whatever romance trainwreck Katherine Heigl is starring in at Valentimes.

Hillary, for a palate cleanser, I recommend 50 Shades of Suck:

There's gotta be a drinking game for this. 'Cause that's the only way I'm getting through this shit.

So this is a prequel to Sleeping with the Enemy?

"Anastasia."
"Christian."

why does he dress like The Unabomber when he goes for a run?

"I like to see your face, it gives me some clue what you might be thinking."

if you were to listen to every one of these complaints, you would never own anything more complicated than a tree.