I keep hearing "A doula ate my baby," in that Meryl Streep-Australian Accent.

At least her placentas are locally sourced and presumably gluten-free. It's abou time people turned away from BIG PLACENTA.

Big Edie had Borderline Personality Disorder written all over her. I believe that Little Edie's neuroses came from being raised by someone with unrecovered BPD. I've seen this in my own family. It's not pretty and there's rarely ever hope for them.

(Oklahoma bans freshman American History course)

Is it weird that I read this item as:

Is de shoes.

Not only that, but you're in a Waffle House around midnight- if weird Twilight Zone shit isn't happening, you should probably run.

I was once in a "fancy" Chinese restaurant in Chicago for my birthday and they had just waxed the floors. EVERYONE was falling down. Servers, customers, everyone. It was bizarre and hilarious. The management was losing their minds over how many meals they were comping. I wiped out before I even got to my table. My…

My husband describes the whole two hour experience as if the entire staff had never been inside of a restaurant before and had no idea how typical restaurant experiences were supposed to work. Or drugs.

LIES. MAYO IS PROOF GOD LOVES US.

Mayo is the devil's condiment.

I have relatives who are like her parents and they're still savoring what an awful person I am based on things I did as a small child. You can't win, you can just cut them off in the way that's truest for you. This was awesome.

Perhaps they'll even blame their relationship problems on her.

PHASE I: VIDEO GAMES

DAD GET OFF THE COMPUTER

*It's about Ethics in Our Childhoods.

For reals... If I want to revisit my childhood, I'll FUCKING WATCH THE ORIGINAL.