Laura, have you followed my stellar detective work on the case of Amy's Bakery? I did win a starburst medal for my investigative work. (For you laymen, the starburst medal is the equivalent of the Pulitzer Prize in blog commenting. I'm not trying to make you guys jealous, I'm just presenting the facts.)

Fun fact about me: I am the 212,324 most powerful woman in the world. That is a true fact. It comes with a lot of responsibilities, let me tell you. I know you guys probably look at me like "HA, YOU'RE THE 212,324TH MOST POWERFUL WOMAN IN AMERICA? UGH YOUR LIFE IS PROBABLY SO GLAM. WERE YOU POPPIN' BOTTLES WITH JAY-Z…

Guys, chill. Mercantilism isn't a thing anymore. Pi(e) doesn't run out.

Miley Cyrus is cooler than January Jones.

ANKLE! The rape-penises will be there any second!!

In case you're here to spew forth some shit about how she's stupid for not leaving earlier and she deserves it for being stupid and weak and a bad role model, etc. etc., here you go!

I will now refer to everything as La Cunta Nostra.

Ohhhhh, Laura. Nooo. If you see "Daily Currant," it's satire. I know that unlike the Onion, it can be difficult to tell with them sometimes because their quotes sound realistic. You know I love you, and you're obviously still my imaginary bestie, but no.

Right? I don't like the idea of breeder-bought puppies to begin with, and then being asked to drop more than a mortgage payment on my house for one... I love me some corgis, but I can't bring myself to not bring home a homeless rescue pup.

Oh God, I take it back, I take it back!

I smell a straight-to-Netflix MRA flick!

*chasing naked husband with mason jar*

New project!

I don't know: I haven't come across ONE "Blow Job" board...

Actually, sorry to quibble, but New Orleans statute decrees that the rape and second-degree kidnapping of a wallet is a greater crime than the rape and second-degree kidnapping of a woman. Wallets can be reused, while women cannot, being of the same ilk as chewing gum and all.

People who shout "FAKE" when a Wild Funny appears are one of the worst things about the internet.

Aw, thank you! One of these days, I'm definitely going to get up the courage to do that. I'm just so bad about standing my ground with salespeople, so if they try to push something overly expensive on me that I don't think I really need, I feel like I'll buy it anyway because I feel bad.

The Great Gatsby was one of the most thoroughly overrated books I have ever read in my life. Needless to say I'm not going to bother with the movie. Noooooo thank you, Baz.

Personally, I'd like the make the argument for the slice of bread. Bread can achieve wonderfully subtle flavours. Maguire, on the other hand, seems to equate "acting" with "creepy staring".