Omg this was my mom’s legit response to the news.

“I wonder if poor Luke got some action...”

No one ever wants to fuck poor Luke.

Let me fill you in on that, as someone who lives in Portland, follows the Portland Police Twitter feed and our local reporting:

Gonna leave this here.

Yeah, this guy is the clear winner, not the human Guess Who? card.

No shit. I didn’t set foot outside my apartment from Monday until Friday last week, and I only went outside Friday because I knew I had some eyeshadow waiting for me in my mailbox downstairs. I regularly get home Friday evening and hole up until Monday morning when I have to go to work. It’s one of my favorite things…

Yeah, anybody can block anybody on Twitter. If the first I hear of you as a person is you up in my @s yelling at me about something (at the same time that THOUSANDS OF OTHER PEOPLE ARE ALSO YELLING AT ME IN MY @S) I would feel no compunction blocking you, and fuck anyone who tells me I am obligated to patiently let…

I was there too. Something about the phrase “Fuck Fest” screams “orgy!” to me, for some reason.

For some reason I expected a love triangle to be part of the story and now I'm disappointed. This is like freshmen year roommate level of intrigue.

Not sending people to prison for non-violent crimes is not that radical an idea, actually.

Right? I’m 34 and I’m like, nope. This kid looks like he’s in high school. I imagine he smells like Axe body spray, hair gel, and weed. Or, like, an Abercrombie & Fitch, Red Bull, and the Febreeze his mother sprays around his bedroom. Nope.

I’m middle-aged, so he looks twelve to me. No thanks.

They’re awesome! I went to a show of theirs once, and I ended up wearing the same outfit (black jeans, red flannel) as Macaulay Culkin, which made me wonder who, indeed, was the bigger lesbian among us.

*Trump steps up and starts bloviating*

I thought that was a picture of Roger Ailes genitals?

I had a LOT of fun in my twenties, then had two kids so I guess this represents my vag to crazy, possibly fictitious god sandwich lady.

HE CAN’T FIRE HER!

Lies coming out of her wherever.

God damn I miss marching band.