All of this for doing what Christian monks did for centuries?

When I was three I got this doll that looked perfectly cute until my parents turned it on and it fussed and cried to be fed. Only doll I ever threw to the ground.

This reminds me of a talking caterpillar toy that belonged to my much younger sibling that me and my older sibling would play with because we were immature as hell. When you pushed the legs of the toy, they would each sound out a different letter of the alphabet. Being stupid pre-teens, my brother and I would always…

Honestly, it sounds like it’s whimpering “Help me” and begging for the sweet release of death.

My son got one of these from my mother for Christmas. It’s saying ‘hug me’. It’s also creepy as fuck and although it LOOKS soft and furry, it’s actually thin fuzz covering a hard plastic inside. It’s weird and not cuddly.

Semi-related: we got my sister a Tickle-Me-Elmo for Christmas when she was four. The package started giggling as she was opening it; she screamed and screamed and screamed. We took out the batteries and she loved it for years.

You can’t win if you don’t play.

I once received a monogrammed cow bell as a wedding favor. I hate all wedding favors that aren’t candy.

I looooved I Thee Dread, but I will say I sometimes kind of hate read for the inevitable comment thread that devolved into “well, I spent $10 to host my wedding on my potato farm where I fed my guests all of the spoiled potatoes and my cousin, the famous photographer, took pictures and anybody who spends more than…

I once attended a wedding where the bride and groom wrote their own vows and at one point in this very long dialogue they read a passage to each other in the Lakota language, no translation given. This was a wedding in Connecticut of two Connecticut natives who I doubt had ever ventured west of the Hudson River.

I know of two couples who did this. Literally all the items. None have any native american blood in them. So ridiculous.

I went to a wedding once where the food was make your own burritos. it was not cute. If the bride and groom were poor it would have been one thing, but they had tons of money and were just being dicks.

They’re talking about the garter toss and purity balls.

Actually sort of bummed to find satire since I am indeed planning a wedding next year and struggling to find resources that don’t assume we want a $20,000 wedding with 200 family members and plan to spend my life savings on a white dress I’ll never wear again.

Goddamnit, this makes me miss I Thee Dread pissing contests and Jolie even more.

Well what the fuck am I going to do with all these mason jars full of chicken bones and menstrual blood now, Kelly?

You never know. One time I flew first class (on points) and Katie Holmes was in coach. Trying to blend in. It didn’t work.

iO9 even put it on the “worst of 2016" list.

So wait, you don’t consider ALICE (Mia Wasikowska) in the movie ALICE Through the Looking Glass a lead character?? Because it seems to me that would satisfy all the criteria.