You will need a screwdriver, a pair of tweezers, a magnifying glass (optional), some salt (~1tbsp), and a bag of chicken feed, preferably corn-based.

I love The Rock and I don’t feel bad about it.

Friendly English Lit reminder: the point of this quote is not that Juliet is wondering where Romeo is. Rather, the “wherefore art thou” is meant as “WHY are you Romeo Montague,” as in, “I really wish you were from literally any other family.”

I saw those photos and was genuinely like...you get hand picked by designers to go to one of the fucking fanciest parties in the country and you go and snap selfies and smoke in the bathroom like you are at a fucking rave. What is that?

You kids and your Tweeters and Instaspams and Fumblers and Book of Many Faces. I my day we AOL instant messaged like the good Lord intended, I’ll tell you what. Why, we’d have to be at our desktop CPUs and sit for hours to LOL and BRB ourselves into oblivion.

My sister is a nurse and she says of all the TV shows that have taken place in a hospital, Scrubs is by far the most accurate.

I kinda disagree with that sentiment.

I was wishy washy about having kids (accidentally wound up being a pretty good mom) and it looks like neither of my children will be having children — I have grand dogs and kitties.

Honestly, I’m kind of ‘meh’ on this.

I get that she’s had some gaffes but my impression is that they were all from honest ignorance (the Asian pop culture fetish thing, gurrrllll) or lack of consideration. But I’ve never heard of her being purposefully malicious.

*raises hand* yeah, sorry, can’t really cut off 95% of my family and move. I respect the people who have done it and felt it’s what they needed to do, but some of us are just down here in the trenches and we might as well make the most of it

Jenna Bush is bad on Today but I am more offended by her roving editor (or whateverthefuck) “columns” in Southern Living. Southern Living is like my Bible, and when Jenna says shit like, “I like to wear shorts in summer because it’s hot,” I want to commit murder.

Does she need another toe? I can get her a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me. Hell, I can get her a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon.

busy’s uber ride sounds fine. after 39 hours stuck in ATL airport, we got an uber from DFW at midnight and our driver would not shut. the fuck. up. telling me all about his son who is semi-pro ice hockey and how he trains all the athletes in texas, etc. etc.

For whatever it’s worth, I was a total Disney girl growing up - I had all the princess costumes, I went as Jasmine for Halloween once and wore the costume as pajamas for a solid year after, until it didn’t fit anymore, I had Barbies, I liked the color pink best. I played with makeup starting at age 12 and was…

You know why my daughter gets amazing grades? I only dress her in neutral colors. If she would go full grayscale, she could be valedictorian but I pick my battles.

Is it just me or does gossip seem particularly lifeless post-inauguration? I just don’t give a shit about any of this stuff. Has Trump really drained my joy that much?

I admire Pence for coming up with this common sense solution to a very real problem.

Ooooo there’s little I love more than a gorgeous kitchen. That is my home dream. I don’t need a giant house or lots of cars in the yard. I don’t even want my own pool (too much upkeep).

Aside from the famous “hay walls” episode, I remember one where Hildi decorated a military family’s house in camo! You think people who work, eat, breathe, sleep camo want to see it in their damn living room? I was pissed for them. It’s been how ever many years and I’m still pissed. We’re retired military, so I guess…