hahahahhahahahhaha. lift a restaurant and bring it to my house??

once again: when I am king of the internet, the law will read that if you negatively judge another person’s looks on twitter, you will be required to post a picture of yourself online, and you will be subject to a thumbs up/thumbs down rating scale from the masses.

Rights aren’t a zero sum game, you ass.

You oughta see me ask for directions.

And then there are her strongly held feminist beliefs interpreting and dictating how other women and girls should practice their cultural and religious norms. Fuck off, sanctimonious lady.

The difference in socioeconomic status between me at 15 and me now is so enormous that I think my 15 year old self would pass out...or maybe not. I was super confident in my self at 15, I always thought I was going to take over the world haha.

they will pry my combat boots (& my stuffed bear that yes i still cuddle with while i’m sleeping) from my cold, dead fingers. now that i’m 31 they are frye instead of doc martens but still.

Just so you know, I am totally picturing little baby girls with like, this

I like your mom and I love secret horrible nicknames. This is fantastic.

Okay, so, there was a guy I knew who...well...he kinda looks like a frog, okay? Think kind of an amphibian mouth (very large, wet upper lip?) and bulgy bullfrog eyes. He was also a huge dweeb. And he (somehow) married this mega-hot girl and when their first kid was born I was like “Oh look, ______ and ______ had their…

Wait... He's only concerned about disclosing his own sexuality? His history with his Girlfriend's father ISNT the issue? Or is my reading comprehension terrible? I'm confused.

Thanks. Sorry if I scared you. We were talking the other night and she's finally lost all her steroid weight and her skin has cleared up, she's rolling with a super cute asymmetric bob and she looks wonderful.

I'm so happy your story had a happy ending! I was getting pretty nervous around the end of the first paragraph.

Oh hell no, that is some fucked. up. shit. Glad you are ok, and fuck those cops.

I’d freak out if I randomly met a manatee while swimming too, but it would be the other kind of freaking out because manatees are amazingly cool. Hopefully that manatee has a comforting manatee sort in his or her life.

As a native Floridian, I would pay good money to see a movie where Spring Breakers are gummed to death by a manatee.

Was the table alligator skin textured?!? I want a King Midas themed wedding! I want that in my kitchen for every day!

Totally of topic but your story at the beginning just reminded me of when me and my sister used to pretend to get married.

all I see are blackheads

And fondant SUCKS. Give me frosting, or give me death!