He sits in front of the TV all day laughing at Paw Patrol. He’s stoned!

I’m trying to figure out how exactly a five month old appears high. They’ve just learned to smile, maybe they are buzzing their lips a bit and trying to figure out how to crawl. Maybe they would be a bit hungrier? I don’t know if you could detect a baby lacking ambition.

I love the idea of, “Let’s combat anti-Nazi imagery with Trump imagery. That’ll show them who the real Nazis are!”

Explain to me how someone gets a nickname as bad ass as “Homicide” ?

You might not have noticed, but sports fans are kinda dumb.

My son can wear whatever he wants while making $330 mill

He has better children?

Ummm because Ian Desmond isn’t a soul sucking Hecubus? 

I think there's been a mistake made here. Those are my wife's dashcam videos of me drunkenly riding my bike to the local convenience store because I was starving for an 8 hour old hot dog and some Doritos. 

the theory’s basic premise is that human beings generally operate under the assumption that the people we are interacting with are being honest.

It’s not about being loyal to a stranger, it’s contrarianism as performative intellectualism.

To be fair, I think we should withhold judgement and run that experiment just to be sure.

Malcolm Gladwell: “All I’m saying is that jet fuel can’t melt Sandusky’s penis.”

I like the way you think! Your elevator clearly isn’t playing with a full deck!

Jerry Jones will convince himself that signing Brown is better than paying Amari Cooper.

I was waiting for someone to spike that softball right into the mixed metaphor.

I think “pulling off the ol’ double moochy” is what got him into trouble in the first place.

Is this where I make the millenial comment? The yolo tag sorta gave it away...

Well, he did threaten kids, so...