Jesus fucking Christ that was amazing!

Or the kind of ejecta, amirite? Eh, eh, wink wink nudge nudge say no more? Hastag rimshot?

Do you honestly not understand that scale and magnitude are irrelevant to the basic modus operandi of wealth. What I do on the scale of 10s of thousands, billionaires do on a larger- AND THEREFORE MORE CRUCIAL- scale. My buyers are empty nesters whose pensions and nest eggs absolutely rely on the actions of hedge fund…

At least he brings a positive attitude...?

On a 16-hour flight, I watched 22 Grams, House of Sand and Fog, and Capturing the Friedmans. You cant convince me I didn’t commit suicide and the last 18 years weren’t a hallucination.

He grabbed a phone charger and wrapped it around his neck, threatening to kill himself, the prosecutor said.

4. Has Ben Affleck ever met an autistic person?

Peter Cetera makes me want to drink bleach.

Edited from the final copy:

8 year olds dude..

It’s like the old adage: Everyone hates the U.S. Bowling Congress but votes to reëlect their own U.S. Bowling Congressman.

I still think it should be a new Olympic sport - no lie - would watch the shit out of that.

Definitely Broom Girl, unassisted, at 0:11.

At first I thought the girl up top with the mop deserved an assist, but watching it again I don’t think anybody at the top of the stairs even touched that rat. He runs/falls down the steps on his own, and then he meets the slapshot of 2017 as a reward for his troubles.

Not sure what shower girl did, but middle two did nothing but shriek. Downstairs, you the real MVP.

Why did the teenage girl rats cross the road?

True, but goddamn if I kept getting asked the same fucking question over and over for months by unoriginal, idiot sports reporters I’d be doing the same shit Westbrook is.

But Westbrook is being funnier about it so...he wins!

Reporter: “Russ, what’s fashion week been like?”

As a math teacher, these "wow! big numbers are big!" factoids are stupid. If anything, articles like this hint at why Americans are so awful with even basic math and logic.