I don’t even know what this is, but I have a gallon of Tillamook Salted Butterscotch and now I want to see how fast I can get to the bottom of it.

I had some friends that had been living together for at least 5 years when they got married. She had FOUR registries. And the registries had multiple overlaps of things I knew she already owned. Like, across four different registries she had 5 ice cream scoops (two of which were on the same registry, obviously) and 3…

It’s traditionally supposed to be to set up your household, but since most of us HAVE dishes and pots and, uh ... corn strippers (?) by the time we get married it’s become a way to get new stuff at your friends’ and distant relatives’ expense.

The one that caught me was “corn stripper”.

Okay can I just say, every time I see that screen name I’m baffled that belongs to an actual adult. When I was 16 and the internet was only BBSes, I went by “Rainsong Stormsinger.” I’d outgrown that by the time AOL was a thing, for heaven’s sake.

*steals it and sells it on eBay for eleventy billion dollars.*

And my first wedding was outdoors in Santa Barbara in late May, and it rained. Of course we didn’t have an indoor backup, because it’s not supposed to rain!

That makes baby jesus sad.

If people WANT to smear cake on each other, that’s cool, but like 90% of the time it seems like one person hates the tradition and the other one is like “lol it’s funneh”. I remember a couple where she said “No cake smashing, please.” He smeared cake on her anyway, so she took the entire plateful and smashed it in his…

Was that on your Falker Satherhood cake or ...?

We had cake, but also cannoli. Most people went for the cannoli.

And then you take it off just before you go on your lunch break, and walk by the protesters again. “Ahh, that’s a weight off!”

My senior picture was the only good photo I took in 12 years of school. Even my kindergarten pictures aren’t very cute. The photographer turned out to be BFFs with my drama teacher, so she made sure my shots were good.

I mean, at some point, if you’re doing it right ... no one should be able to remember the rules.

Just calm down there Walter.

I mostly feel pity toward my ex’s now-wife. She’s gotta live with a dude who cannot keep a job or understand a budget, in a town where you’ve gotta be making 6 figures to comfortably support a family. They’ve got two school-age kids in a tiny one-bedroom apartment. And on top of that, our daughter’s caught him sexting…

My ex invited me to his, probably because he’s rather a sociopath and wanted to show off. I politely claimed a previous commitment for that day and only swung by long enough to drop our daughter off.

Girl, you didn’t just dodge a bullet, you dodged a giant fucking nuclear bomb.

I did it once, and while it was fun enough, the bed is really crowded and someone’s elbow is always in the way.

I always laugh in detective shows where they discover the murderer by some clothing size. “Oh we found size 8 women’s pants and a size 6.5 footprint at the scene!” Yeah, great, any of the women I know are gonna have like 7 different clothing and 2 or 3 different shoe sizes in their closet, so good luck.