Jesus died so I could do this. 

Trump illegally used campaign donations to enrich his friends and partners?

In my house me and missus have long ago decided that we wouldn’t cook on weekends, out of laziness. So we just order. And sometimes we do at these exact same places, not kidding: McD’s, BK. Wendy’s and Domino’s... So, the President of the richest and most powerful nation in this planet, for a formal occasion, decided…

I like how he’s holding his jacket closed like he’s afraid of either 1. accidentally setting himself on fire even though he’s three feet away from the candelabra or 2. Getting the flaps of his jacket in the “food,” which is safely ensconced in cardboard.

There are lots of American women over the age of 35, too, and he fucking haaaaates us. So yeah, BS called. 

Given his policies and wall obsession, would have been most appropriate if he chose White Castle.

“Say, pal, can I borrow that thing to warm up this Big Mac?”

Sigh. If only we had a president that owned a hotel nearby that also included a David Burke-run prime beef restaurant where players could sit down and eat a Waygu ribeye or a prime rib or something fance. That “billionaire” president could maybe take the team there and foot the bill. Dang, why couldn’t we have a…

We need to elect Eric Andre in 2020 so he can do all the Trump stuff all over again and leave the White House in ruins.

“Summa cum laude at Liberty University and this is what I’m doing.”

I still very much enjoy fast food. I had McDonald’s for lunch this weekend. I get it.

“Lumos!”

That was actually on their business cards.

I call BS.  African-Americans are American, and he doesn’t like them.

This is every commercial about a man hosting a party ever.
GUY: [on couch, looking up from phone, shocked] IT’S T-T-TODAY!?!!
moment of panic
VO: Don’t worry Wingstop’s got you covered, we can feed 5 or 500, just swing by, pick up your order, throw it on some silver platters and we’ll make you look like your world class…

Such a proud boy.

“If it’s American I like it. It’s all American stuff,” Trump says, of table piled with burgers from McD’s, Wendy’s, and Burger King. Another held Domino’s and fries, per pool.

Like, it’s pretty well known that the Pinkerton’s were corrupt assholes who were basically hired thugs for wealthy businessmen to intimidate workers and prevent from unionizing.

I’m sick of hearing about this guy in general. And comedians should stop talking about their dicks.