Saw shiny, oily legs in thumbnail on Twitter, paint now. The duality of man.

Want to really question the collective judgment of our household? I was one of two women who agreed to stick a vodka-soaked tampon in our pussies. My SO was one of two dudes who agreed to stick a vodka-soaked tampon in their buttholes. The other dude got an anal fissure from it and had to explain the whole thing to a…

WHAT.

My best friend and I were in the parking lot of a church (we attended his great-uncle’s funeral) when he dared me to sneeze on his deceased’s face. My friend absolutely loathed his uncle, and for good reason. But he’d promised to briefly attend the service and not make a scene, so he wanted one last posthumous dig…

I talked my friend into wearing beehive hairdos to Graceland, and she gave me the Godfather response. One day she would ask for a favor, and I would have to comply. How bad can this be?

Licked the lip of a urinal.

Is it wrong that I’d give up half my finger to have some chill time on a boat off the coast of Turkey?

I am your roommate. I also use men’s body wash and men’s deodorant and get my hair cut at the Hair Cuttery. Sometimes I think I don’t know how to lady, but then I realize that I’m just really cheap.