I think too many men think that oral sex means lapping gently at your clitoris with their tongue, and I think that’s why a lot of women don’t like oral sex.

I didn’t realize this was still a thing. I’m game to munch box assuming no hygiene issues. Also, if I got a squirter on my first try, I think that would be the best confidence boost ever.

I have never had to shove a dude’s face between my legs, my dear. They thank me for the privilege, best believe.

Yup! Sometimes my boyfriend is too tired to have sex-sex so he just goes down on me and then we go to sleep. I’M KEEPING HIM FOREVER!

I have a hard time getting off from it too. It’s amazing as a warmup, but I generally don’t come from it.

Do you do this as soon as you finish explaining? Because you should.

Yeah, the old “I’m not eating pussy anymore because I’m way too good at it” canard.

I always use this metaphor when having this conversation with guys like this dude:

real conversation i’ve had with a tinder date

Dudes, first time I tried a blowjob I messed up and got a wad right in my eye. It was bright red for two days. Guess what I did not give up on.

She wasn’t actually his friend. She was someone who was ordered to hang out with him and act like his friend by their mutual church.

I cannot WAIT for her tell-all. Alternatively, I cannot wait for her to continue living life gloriously without all of those violent sociopaths.

“Yeah, you go hide, Tom. We’ll come find you.”

And then snicker at his idiocy! That all sounds like a win, to me (except the "being a Scientologist" thing)

I can't believe she is still walking the streets, very much alive after publishing this. Cruise is probably still distracted with building the soundproof chamber in his basement where he planned to hide her.

I hope what really happened to Shelly Miscavige eventually does come out. I have feeling it wasn’t because someone forgot to find her during hide and seek. If she is still alive it seems like the church would have done something public to prove she was ok. Or maybe not, these people are just crazy.

Okay, real talk: Who wouldn't want to play Hide and Seek in a huge house on three acres? I mean, fuck Tom Cruise, but that sounds dope.

Close your eyes and think of Nicole Kidman. Or England

“Do you think Katie’s coming?”