My wife bought me low sugar grape jelly (because fuck strawberry jelly and every single person that tries to put that on a PBJ sandwich) because she knows I pretend to try and want to be healthy. Take that low sugar jelly and put it directly in the trash. It doesn’t spread, it isn’t sticky-gloopy, it’s not jelly.

I bring PBJ sandwiches into work for lunch everyday of the week (except Wednesday’s when the cafeteria sells buffalo chicken wraps). Sometimes on weekends if we aren’t doing anything for lunch I will eat PBJ for lunch then too. My wife can’t understand how I eat the same thing every day. Peanut butter is the answer to…