I DID AND IT WAS PERFECT!!!! She ended up personally handing me a tote bag after i kept not being able to catch one (AND MY THIRST WAS PALPABLE!)

She’s making me crush on her so fucking hard, but for real, tho, if literally NOTHING was changed after 20 babies were murdered, why do we expect anything to happen now? This is depressing as fuck.

God bless Sam Bee. She really is the rightful heir to the Daily Show—even if she’s doing her own show now. She’s the person who I look to now for her take on news events, who I can count on for catharsis.

You can’t expect an American Presidential candidate to be familiar with world geography.

Please keep in mind that Omar Mateen has been on FBI radars since 2013 for possible connections to ISIS terrorist activity: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/…

thank you for having important conversations with your daughter and not sugar coating things. i am sorry you have to do it, im sorry she has to hear it, and i’m sorry she lost one of her idols.

ok but can we speculate on whether or not she bathes in the blood of virgins or is an actual vampire because girlfriend does not age???

Sweet Jesus - if not for the Pennsylvania, I was certain this letter was from my wife. The only difference is that her niece is only 19.

Oh thank god I am drunk.

it all depends, what STD do you want to acquire?

The following are the best vocalists of the last 100 years: Nina Simone, Ella, Billie, Sarah Vaughan, Etta Jones, Etta James, Aretha, Shirley Basie, Edith Piaf, Umm Khaltoum, Maryam Mursal, Oumou Sangare, Whitney, Mariah, Celia Cruz, and the list goes on.

I feel like the obvious “raw talent” counterpoint to overproduced modern vocal fluff to cite in this context might have been Janis Joplin, but I’m sure he “wasn’t even considering gender”. They never do, is the problem.

“Are you talking about me or Hillary Clinton, pumpkin?” I asked. “I’m sad because my vaginal elasticity is completely shot. I’m sad because fucking is like hitting a baseball into the Grand Canyon.”

They really don’t. I would pick apart Anna’s paragraph on the things wrong, or “queasy”, about Clinton and how each and every one of them apply to Obama as well, but it really shouldn’t be necessary simply because of the fact that some people don’t (or refuse to) understand that we have a chance for a liberal SCOTUS…

Who is saying that? We have a duty to vote for Hillary because she’s the better of the two candidates

If you give a shit about keeping religoin out of politics or a woman’s right to choose, then you vote for the Democrat. ANY Republican getting SCOTUS picks isn’t an option. It’s time to grow the fuck up.

God, it just reeks of privilege and fucking idiocy...I just can’t with people. If you wanna watch the goddamned world burn, you must be one of the privileged to have a fireproof suit...

She is the only person I have ever liked better because of Twitter. She’s so goddamn good at Twitter.

Back in 2004 a liberal/libertarian friend bragged that he was going to vote for Bush because he wanted people to see “how bad this country could get” if we put another Republican in power. It makes me sick to think that people torpedo progress because it doesn’t fit their idealized view of the 100% perfect progress.…

I can’t wait til they release flexible screens so I can roll my phone up and practice my handjob skills.