Not sure what article you read, but it clearly wasn’t mine.

Too bad it’s not a 5s; if it were couldn’t they just mash his lifeless fingers on the home button to unlock the phone?

You post a bad review but you don’t lie. Which seems to be the problem. They made factual claims that were provably untrue which is where they went wrong. If you say a restaurants food was bland to you and the service was not good that is fine. If you say a restaurant double charged you and then called you a racist…

You can always sue for malpractice.

Sorry, bro. It was actually twelve Bud heavies and, uh, McDonald’s. Better?

Police reportedly made an arrest, but wouldn’t name the man arrested. Whoever it is, he has to appear in court on May 10.

When you've had the kind of drought the Skins have had, there comes a time that even your Cousins start to look pretty good.

To be fair, your overly sensitive (is there any other kind?) feminism makes you attractive to 0% of men and 100% of cis Jezebel readers.

Not to be that guy, but it’s RBF: Resting bitch face.

Can we, like, maybe crowd source a TV show out of this? I would totally watch a TV series about an secret African astronaut who was sent to a secret Space Station in the 90s, but because of various political and conspiracy issues is left up there for a decade or two. Really, it pretty much writes itself. It’s got bad…

1996?

I think he asked for her blessing to write a lyric saying he should collect on having sex with Taylor Swift for making her famous.

The only thing that surprises me about this story is that it wasn’t a Pac 12 officiating crew. Those assholes could fuck up a menage a trois involving Beyonce and Rihanna.

Why would anyone care what you said before?

how else are you supposed to scramble eggs other than in the pan?

Thank you! I was coming here to write the same thing. And fuck office birthday cards. I always write the same thing on office bday or goodbye cards: “get well soon”.

I spray my comforter down with Lysol

Bill should just make eggs for the whole family. It’s the 2010s, man.

Ha, yeah, the one thing that rainbow-cake comment section lacks is that one guy who feels the need to let everybody know that he couldn't be bothered to read the whole article.

I just really like pretty cakes.