"How many small Russian hockey players do you think you could take on before they overwhelmed you?"

On the rink, I don't think I could handle more than 2 or 3, because I'm clumsy as all shit. On dry ground, I think I'd go strong until one of the bastards homemade-bungee-jumped off a 12 story building onto my head.

except for the people who argue that snopes is part of a giant liberal* conspiracy, and is full of lies.

I worry I would have poured that lady the biggest, hottest bowl of 'spicy soup' I could reach.

I'm the same way with jeans. A 32 inch waist is more comfortable, but I'm really a 24...

It must sit on the list right before Pinkman's Law - whenever I hear Aaron Paul on TV, I have a craving for some crystal.

Just don't put them in a goddamn bowl. Those are for soup.

I was once at a McDonalds drive through, and the person in front of me asked for an 'iced coffee, no ice' - I felt for that poor drive through worker.

If you cut in half again, I'm going to lose my shit.

Maybe she's watching her gluten, too, and it's easier to count whole numbers rather than a bunch of half-pieces of toast.

Those are already just full of giant pixels.

Like the poet once wrote:

"Shorty had them Apple-bama jeans...boots with the fuuuur.
The whole club was lookin' at hurrrr"

Clearly, that's a pixelated sex toy. I spent year developing Assassin's Steed, only to have it rejected because *society* didn't like my idea of romance.

Can't wait to hear the police scanner the first time one of these is involved in a collision.

"Oh, my god, there's blood everywhere! It's oozing from under the hood - they must have been smuggling people in there. Call the SWAT team!"

Not to go too far off topic, but that pizza sounded pretty amazing. I blame this stupid low-carb diet.

I like to apologize for the behavior of my passion, d00se

Sorry, but it's pronounced Kabahpee

Sorry, but it's pronounced Kabahpee

Now you're just making up words

I always used the "how much would you like back?" as I was grabbing bills, because it's not making an assumption of a tip, it fills that awkward silence, and sort of reminds people that maybe normal human beings tip for deliver.

"Here's 50"
"How much would you like back?"
"7"
"okay...here's the 5 you inexplicably gave me,…

Yep, as a former delivery driver, a business known for tipping will definitely get their food before the dicks who are going to stiff you anyway.