No teeth involved, no. He just grabs the string and yanks it out and she is all turned on by it and it's gross and basically the opposite of sexy, shudder.

That's just a c*ck slap in the face of good ol' dirty sex and I won't support that.

THIS. Is masturbation material. That up there is not.

All of this 50 shades of grey talk is just reminding me that I haven't had sex since the summer. It feels like I will NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN. Even worse, my vibrator broke this morning. Everything is turrible.

See, if a state tried to pass a law banning all guns within it's borders, people would (correctly) point out that, even if that is the will of 80% of the people in that state, it is unconstitutional to pass such a law because the 2nd Amendment of the US Constitution.

This right here. I wrote fan fiction throughout my adolescence and have just returned to it recently to write a god damned slash fic (my first non-hetero story) about two of the characters from Supernatural. And my fic is a billion times better. Hell, the stuff I did in high school was a billion times better, and all…

Right? My sister-in-law also loves them. I die a little. And try not to judge because I love her so much. We had this convo about them:

Do they, though? Serious question. My understanding has always been, in the case of weed, that federal law is actually supreme and overrides the state laws, but the cases aren't really being prosecuted. So, for example, someone running a weed dispensary in California could, in theory, be prosecuted federally, but the…

Well, his mouth was slobbering all over her asshole, so you know, circle of life.

The thing is, with a good editor the trilogy could have made ONE semi-interesting book. And it would have had to be a hell of an editor.

James surpassing J. K. Rowling as the most popular writer of all time on Amazon UK.

Absolutely. Perhaps I should have read it in December when I was so high on cold meds I wasn't sure if I put lights on the christmas tree or on the dog.

You have my sympathy for reading all of this drivel. I honestly tried, but I just couldn't do it. Less than 1/4 of the way in, I tapped out.

This sentence is a thing of beauty. It has brought so much joy to my cold, dead heart and I feel like nothing can bring me down today. Erin wins everything.

Thanks, Erin. I tried and failed. You suffered for all of us and I am so grateful. No seriously, props.

Here's what bothered me about this whole thing. I was a Twilight fan fic reader (sue me, we all have a "thing"). There is stuff out there that is 40 million times more well-written and infinitely hotter than this tripe. It just pains me that this is the thing that broke through commercially. Tragic.