“And if you happen to be near the ocean or a salt lake, all you have to do is fill an empty can of beans with some of the water, leave it on the dashboard of your van overnight, and the next morning, you have free salt!”

Amendola is GOING TO SUCK, just like he did in New England.

Also: “You see son, Daddy doesn’t need to drink to have a good time.” 

Economic uncertainty so that businesses can’t plan for future investments? You mean, like unilaterally announced tariffs on goods that quite literally underpin our entire society? Or pulling out of trade deals just to “renegotiate” them and end up...exactly where we started? How do those contribute to “economic…

To be fair the next 2.5 years will certainly feel like at least a fucking decade. 

MLB deleted the tweet when thousands of angry fans wrote in to tell them that Spider-Man is not Japanese.

“Republicans: We believe in _________.*”

Republicans - “We believe in states rights.*”

Apparently smog was what made america great. Who could have known?

Clearly, MiniTrue is doing its job perfectly.

Trump yesterday: “Russia wasn’t involved in election meddling”

I guess that beat out “I had my fingers crossed”, or “Takeback Tuesdays!”

I would love to be in the meeting where they farted out that idea. “Uh...what if you said you meant to say ‘wouldn’t’?”

“I realize there is the need for some clarification...in a key sentence in my remarks, I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t.’ The sentence should have been, ‘I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia,’” he said.

Yeah The Hobbit holds up really well but Lord of the Rings could have cut about 350 pages between the 3 books without losing anything.

Is Blue Apron or those sorts of plans really that much cheaper than takeout? Especially when you factor in having to do the actual cooking? Because I’d rather have takeout.

“Papa John Has Regrets.”

Has a rising star ever fallen this hard, this fast?