this made me laugh way more than it should have. i think it's the "i'm sooooo happy for you" that got me

for the future kinjamazon store, there should be tshirts, caps and fleeces with "YOU AREN'T ARTISTS. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND" as well as with "I'm a very important person. I sell monogrammed coffee thermoses" ...

That is awesome.

Somewhere out there a guy is asked about his worst New Year's, and he regales them with the tale of being punched in the face at a skating rink.

Thank you. I'm certainly not proud of it, but in hindsight it is pretty funny.

"YOU AREN'T ARTISTS. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND."

This seems like the most horrifying so far. Because you went to a club that was charging $50 to get in!! Start to finish, winner.

This should win for the amount of horror you manage to pack into just 17 words.

after drinking too many large French 75s that were mostly gin, I convinced myself I had accidentally dropped my only expensive piece of jewelry -a gorgeous Tibetan silver ring with two intricate ram heads in it- down a friend's toilet. Spoiler: I had taken the ring off at home and forgotten to put it back on.

Disclaimer...this did not happen on NYE. The story is entitled "starfish regenerator."

"Cousin started sucking on my filthy toes when we got in even though I said no."

Short and to the point. I think this should be the winner.

In my small town the thing to do on New Years when you were a teen was to go to the skating rink and take part in a "Lock-In", where they lock the doors and you skate and "party" all night (which meant 1am).

I mentioned some of this the other day, but I think I'll just go with bullet points (it was a very, very long night).

My birthday is in late December, and the festivities for my 21st got a little out of hand. The end result of this was that I ended up with a black eye, and subsequently with a new drivers license picture featuring said black eye, since my license expired on my birthday, and the nice lady at the DMV wouldn't let me…

I only wish I'd been shitting back then.

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! This is TERRIBLE!

For me, it's a tossup between Times Square in open toe heels or a fivesome without condoms.

Attempted to lose my virginity w/ some liquid courage, actually just vomited on myself while naked and crying.

When I was in high school I had knee surgery on December 26 and the combination of immobility and hydrocodone made me super constipated and my mom had to give me an enema. At age 18. Worst NYE of my life.