Purple Cottonelle (why do they even make the blue kind?).

Purple Cottonelle (why do they even make the blue kind?).

he took a wheel in ibiza

Does anyone know how to become a contestant on Shark Tank?

If I had the chance to ask one question during a republican debate, I would ask how a party that is so “pro-life” can just write off the people who are being shot every day as collateral damage, that their deaths are simply the price we have to pay for living in this county. Is this really what our founding fathers…

OMG, girl, you need glasses! That’s Matt McGory from orange is the new black! He’s totes hot. I would chain him to the bed and never let him leave.

But what sucks is you’re in St. Louis.

If you're a Cubs fan trying to make Cards fans sound like dicks, good job, but hardly necessary.

What the fuck are these spots on his head? Are they like stickers on a football helmet...one for each victim?

Worst beard since Nicole Kidman.

“I gained some weight from my all-inclusive vaca in Mexico

Someone should have warned him the British were coming.

The beer stand in the train station was completely out of Coors Light and Bud Light Lime last week. When I asked why she shrugged her shoulders and said “Kenny Chesney played Soldier Field this weekend. They drank every drop of Coors Light in the city.”

Has the show definitely been cancelled then? I hear “hiatus” and “temporarily shelved” but I haven’t heard WE CANCELLED THE GODDAMN SHOW BECAUSE THIS WHOLE THING AND THESE PEOPLE ARE A NIGHTMARE. That’s what I’m waiting for.

... I would love to eavesdrop on Dorinda and Big Ange on a Sephora trip. Just for the voices.

Great. Now I want a ham and mayo sandwich on pumpernickel bread.

Wait, has anybody actually BEEN to O’Hare who is trashing it? It generally beats the pants off of Midway, and security is always more or less a breeze even on holiday weekends.

I’ve never really had a problem with ORD either. I think ORD gets its bad reputation from people transiting through. You’re probably accustomed to ORD and it’s weird idiosyncrasies, but imagine you’re from, for instance, Salt Lake City. There are two terminals in SLC, and one of them is pretty much dedicated to Delta.…

How did STL not end up on this list?

O’Hare isn’t that bad if you know how to navigate it and avoid flying United.

Get out of my way, motherfuckers, I’ve got a connection to make!

There is literally nothing in this world worse than blurry instagram video of live musical performances.