Do you think Mariah ever just lounges around her house in ratty leggings and a sweatshirt, sans bra? I feel like her boobs need to breathe.

Oh God, my mom doesn’t understand how I’m perfectly happy not celebrating Christmas with my Jewish spouse, and I so badly want to say “Oh, Christmas? You mean the holiday where you lied to all our relatives and told them we were spending the holiday with friends, and then we sat down to the saddest 2-person Christmas…

Keep him from buying any more tropical islands. Or maybe make him sell one.

Yup, Kentucky. And it was enormously successful there.

Some states — like Kentucky -- explicitly stayed away from the “Obamacare” label. So in some cases, they don’t (but they should.)

The Trumps’ grasp of business ethics, or really, ethics:

“HRH The Duchess of Cambridge”, if my eyes don’t deceive me. One must use the proper title!

“(According to my own journey to the National Safety Council’s website, choking is now the fourth-leading cause of unintentional death, with 4,864 fatalities in 2013, make of this what you will.)“

What? Is this supposed to make sense? All I can think of is that evacuation is also a euphemism for pooping.

Chet Haze is a douchenozzle, but I can’t fault his decision to not parade his infant (I’m assuming she didn’t sprout from his forehead, fully grown) daughter on social media. That’s a pretty reasonable decision, actually. I know plenty of non-famous folks who’ve done the same.

Trump’s not gonna bail you out, man.

As someone who married in, I can explain; “Jews control the media” feeds into the paranoid idea of Jews as an all-powerful, secretive group secretly pulling the levers of global power for their own nefarious ends, popularized by fictional books like “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion”, a 1903 text which purports to…

Well, that worked well.

The right at least wants us around to facilitate Jesus’ 2nd coming. Then we all have to convert or die, but hey!

.... I now have a much better sense of why my relative from South Carolina didn’t come out until he was in his 30s.

I tried it a couple of times. It made my ankles itch, I ate a bowl of cereal, and then I went to bed. Meanwhile my husband and his friend smoked the same stuff and were rolling around on the couch, giggling. It didn’t do much for my mother, either -- maybe an inability to get high is genetic?

Weirdly, there are still comedies about working class families — “Family Guy” and “The Simpsons”, plus the departed “King of the Hill.” Although “The Simpsons” is older than dirt, of course.

I couldn’t smell electricity when I was pregnant, but milk suddenly smelled spoiled days before the expiration date. It smelled fine to other people, and was apparently drinkable, but I had to switch coffee shops because the milk at the old one smelled so terrible.

OMG, Tilda Swinton lives a stone’s throw from my grandfather’s village! I’VE BEEN NEAR HER HOUSE!!! *dies*

And then she handed the baby back to its army of highly paid and credentialed nannies. She’ll see him again in four months for the next photo-op.