Not to break the poignancy of the moment, but...it’s not like they’ve given you a lot of options.....

I am a white male and a Marine Corps combat veteran. I have been a Browns fan all my life.

That’s easy. Marcus Mariotta you can root for. Jameis Winston should be in prison.

Winston looking for all the world like an actual good NFL quarterback is one of the most depressing things about football lol.

Doesn’t really matter for most American soccer fans, to be honest. When the games are only on Tuesday and Wednesday in the middle of the afternoon the vast majority of people are at work and can’t tune in. Americans watch EPL because the games are Saturday and Sunday mornings.

Ha! Crossed my mind too, but with Jim Carrey’s (intentionally?) terrible Seinfeld impression.

He should re-brand him “my buddy Wasso” and give him his own show...

Yup...these are my funders...

NOBODY DENIES THIS!

I’m sure this all can be explained by an episode of Fresh Prince from 1995

Easily the most inappropriate sexual activity I’ve seen going on at a subway since Jared.

I’ve never ridden a subway in NYC, so I don’t know how common this is. But putting your bare feet on one of those seats has to be gross right? Seems gross.

Okay, I fucking deserved that.

Okay, I fucking deserved that.

Is that you, Bill Simmons?

“Yes, I AM a lawyer!”

I’ll write her response for her:

Hey @ChloeGMoretz - let’s set up a date. The crush is mutual.