That article just rocked my world.

Also, there’s that thing where she donated $250,000 to Kesha for her legal bills in a sexual assault case. There’s no way a defense attorney is going to let her stay on that jury. I got dismissed from a murder trial once, possibly because the victim was a young woman about my age but most likely because I’m a rape…

I’m jelly. I <3 The Slot but can’t get ungrayed to save my life.

I mean, I’m terrible for having done it. He’s gonna have some heavy feelings about it (most likely). But, if you’re going to do it might as well do it right!

I’ve hated her ever since she didn’t respond to my random internet comment about how I wanted to get drunk with her and hang out. Rude.

She’ll just verbally castrate them all. I can’t wait.

Welcome to my business!

I don’t know, I devirginized my friend on Saturday night because he’s almost 30 and... Why not? It was hella fun. It’s not everyday I get to introduce someone to one of my favorite activities and, frankly, his excitement and nervousness definitely turned me on.

I’m really looking forward to second term Hillary when she no longer has to play nice with the republican douchebags who have made her life so hard. Give-no-fucks-Hillary is my favorite Hillary.

Oh thank GAWD!!! #teampotluckforlife #teamhilztoo

If she’s not for, I can’t vote for her.

that pic tho

At 5:00 when your cat thinks they’re starving to death...

My cat is black so I’m totally not racist.

I might now want to have sex with you.

No, she would have run much sooner and not been bogged down by her husband’s scandals.

Being the only one eating pizza is like being the only one drinking.

I guess we can’t be friends either.

I don’t know who Chelsea Peretti is but we can’t be friends.

I want to grow up to be like you.