I’ve become kind of a bitch about this, actually. I’m sure it’s super churlish to outright tell family we do not need toys and make lists of experience gifts that my kids would enjoy instead but that’s what I do. I have even hinted that I would donate anything that was too much without so much as opening it. And I…

“I wish I had some toys I grew up with, I’d be able to sell them for a pretty penny now...” with that thinking you should not sell your kids’ toys... 

Lol, true that. Though, sometimes I wish I had someone telling me what to eat instead of making bad dietary decisions lol.

When my son was five or six he was a big fan of apple cider, he still is.

I had a bottle of apple cider vinegar and he wanted to try it, I told him it was vinegar but he was still interested. So I took a sip to show him it was safe to drink, and since I know what it tastes like I didn’t make a face. He took a big gulp…

I did this at grade school to keep kids from desiring my treat. One family treat I grew up with, that I have yet to hear of others, is mince pasty. Mince meat, homemade, of course, by Gram or mom.

I don’t have to lie to my kids about what my favorite treats taste like. I can’t pay them to eat peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. 

Hahaaaa, I also had my son convinced that I had control over the birthdays until he was at least 6. 

Wait, people have kids who listen to them? If I told my kid he would not want to eat something because it’s too spicy, he would still put it in his mouth.

I tell my kids things like this all the time to keep them from wanting to eat things I don’t want to share or give them. I also do the opposite, where I tell them things like “If you don’t eat your dinner you can’t turn 5. Only little girls that get their nutrition can go up in age. If you don’t you’ll turn back to 3…

I think it’s just being a parent.

You do it because they like it and you love them and it might make them stop fucking screaming. They’re wearing a nappy and they’re not sticky. And baby sick isn’t like adult or even toddler vomit. In fact, it’s not vomit at all, because their stomach muscles don’t contract to eject it like vomit, it’s just…

It makes no sense, but Google and Amazon do this all the time: I buy a hammer for somebody and I’m flooded with tool and fishing ads because I magically morphed into a fifty year old handyman with a boat or whatever. If these programs are so damn smart, you’d think they’d spot outliers in your normal buying habits.

Gender reveal parties annoy me and I can't be friends with people who have them. If they're tacked onto a baby shower, cool, whatever, but no need for a party or a stupid stunt to celebrate some genitals. My “official” gender reveal was when my baby was pulled out of my womb and my doctor said IT’S A BOY however I…

See, that’s yet another group whose life could be upended out of nowhere--people who happen to have this fake name!

If it wasn’t this specific gender reveal party, it would have been some other event with some pointless explosion that would have taken out someone from that family.

-New house moving party where they blow up their old house.

Why are you people so obsessed with baby genitals? It's weird

Out: gender reveal parties

A little over a year ago, a sample gift box of baby formula showed up at my parents’ house with my name on the mailing label.

When I was in university, I briefly worked as a telephone survey interviewer (it was soul-crushing). One of the surveys involved calling pregnant women or new mothers (can't remember which) to ask them about baby products. One woman I reached told me that she had had a miscarriage. I felt so bad and apologized…

A woman in one of my Facebook groups just got this. She has had several miscarriages and can’t carry a pregnancy. She actually knows someone with the name the card was signed with so she thought that woman was being a huge asshole for some reason.