That is some church right there. It’s that line plus “I’m a SUCH a terrible liar” that automatically send up an entire Communist parade of red flags.

Once I ate so much dark black licorice I lost feeling in my chin. #NoRegrets

Right? I want to unhinge my jaws like a snake and devour them all.

You are my people. I was beginning to despair reading all the ZOMG LICORICE IS SOOO GROSS WHERE’S MY PARIS HILTON BODY SPRAY AND TOTAL LACK OF CULTURAL REFINEMENT LOLOLOLITTERALLYLOL comments

I straight up don’t trust people who can’t at least academically appreciate strong black licorice. It’s so herbal and nuanced and complicated! It unfolds in such a compelling way. It’s like Guernica: you don’t need to want it over your sofa, but if you don’t at least recognize its genius, I’m going to worry about you…

I have an unusual name and usually get pretty annoyed when someone tries to give me a nickname, but this lady from Ecuador calls me Adele and I don’t stop her because who wouldn’t want to hear someone banging on in rapidfire Spanish about how you look EXACTAMENTE COMO ADELE? She is almost certainly the only person in…

I don’t, sorry, but please do go check it out. I know you want to hear that it’s nothing (and it probably is!) but my little brother ignored the weird stuff going on with his junk and it ended up killing him, so please, get that shit looked at then come back and report.

Being (mostly) single through my 20’s was the best and I highly, highly recommend it, even though I went through the same “meh” phases when I just couldn’t be bothered to date.

I used to be the head of Purchasing and thus the procurement card administrator for an entire large newspaper and I cannot tell you the number of times this happened. My best advice: own your mistake and be apologetic. People make mistakes, so if you’re cool the administrator is going to understand that (assuming it’s…

Yeah, when I lived in the states there was always some mild anxiety about being a Headless Fatty in the news, but I noticed they never showed well-dressed, kicking-ass-and-taking-names fatties, because why would you want to show a fat person who wasn’t just a pleated front nightmare with a dripping ice cream cone and…

I am making a super middle-America 1960’s style Spaghetti of Shame and have no regrets. Normally we do it old school; sauce for tomatoes from the garden or the nearby fields, homemade pasta, DIY hot Italian sausage, all that good stuff, but today I was missing my grandmother —who was exactly as good a cook as you’d…

TRUFACT: I off-and-on dated Greg Graffin for like 4 months in 2000. We met on ICQ. I had never even heard of him before then.

IKR, we get what, two seasons of United States of Tara, meanwhile How I met Your Two and a Half Big Bangs will still be in production when nothing but cockroaches and Chuck Lorre populate the earth.

Oh man, I’m sorry. That’s a huge amount of highly-concentrated suck. I think you’re doing the exact right thing right now by figuring out What Needs to Happen and whatever happens in your relationship, there’s a confidence in knowing you can get shit done all by yourself if you need to.

The absolute best thing that ever happened to Señor Overdrive and me re: baby fever was spending 4 days straight babysitting a 2 year-old raw vegan only child. My ovaries slammed shut so hard I’m pretty sure I converted all my remaining eggs to diamonds.

I’ve never cried in the shower but whenever I feel a Big Cry coming on I walk straight into the Pacific, clothes and everything and let that shit out. There’s something very cleansing about crying while being surrounded by water. I hope things slow down (in a good way) for you soon.

O NO THE KITES HAVE CLAIMED ANOTHER VICTIM

My Depression-era grandmother once bought an entire pallet of Cheerios when my brother and I were starting elementary school, not worrying about whether two small children could go through ~200 family-sized boxes of cereal before they went stale. I ate Cheerios the day the Challenger exploded and I ate Cheerios the…

Cereal and milk are for when you don’t feel well and could probably use some soup but don’t have any and the drive to the grocery store would kill you dead. Then you eat a mixing bowl of Trix for dinner, sleep off the fever and scare yourself to death 12 hours later when your poop is somewhere between hunter and kelly…

I am convinced I am one missed wax and a hasty shame-shave away from this at all times.