Listen, I don’t know what you heard but it was just once in college and those sorority bids don’t just place themselves. #NoRagrets #SomeScarring

I always wondered what happened to those cranks who called into my newspaper apoplectic with confused and frightened rage when we accidentally ran the same comics two days in a row. WHAT IF TODAY WAS THE DAY MARMADUKE STOPPED THINKING HE WAS PEOPLE, OKAY? DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?!?!

Knowing nothing but what you’ve just said I would literally rather fight a bear than mess with your mom.

Pro Tip: Do not come for a Salvadoreña who left El Salvador in the 80’s. They have Seen Some Shit and are not impressed by your sad little struggle insults.

I’m an American living in Mexico. My Spanish is fine; not flawless but pretty good for an adult learner who’s been giving the dedicated college try for a couple years. Unfortunately when I get tired, distracted, or my mouth gets dry, it becomes a bit more difficult to form the words. The other day I was driving my…

Right? It would seem like step one on the Avoid Spanish Tour of Tragicomic Yet Ultimately Horrifying Racism and Ignorance would be to not live in a city whose actual name is in Spanish.

I think there needs to be a round-robin tourney to find the ATK staffer with the best drunk food. I have a feeling Lawman would take the whole thing home, but not without a fight.

This is now canon and you are my friend.

100% disappointed they didn’t give him the traditional Maxim coverlook of naked-except-for-black-panties.

Also: Know your room. Two friends and I were on a BA flight from New York to London. I ordered a gin and tonic, my gentleman friend ordered a gin and tonic, my girl friend piped up and asked in her already unfortunate Kardashian uptalky voice “like, do you have anything that’s liiiike (insert vocal fry into infinity…

That is a deeply Cookie move and I am here for it.

You are my new friend. I am buying us stain-resistant satin jackets with discreet pockets for our necessaries.

May I ask if your name is a fairly common one? Because I think it might be one thing if it’s a common name that gets shortened the (though I still don’t think calling someone by their name is that much to ask) but for people with unusual names, it’s more of a struggle.

Well damn, now I am too. Also I am stealing Scott Joplin Week forthwith, even though I promise no one in my little Latin American fishing village will get it.

Nope, my unusual three-syllable name and I have made it well into oldhood without a nickname (to my face).

Yep, it’s officially canon now.

How do you get “mouthy” with someone over the subject of saying your name right? Because I want to believe there’s a way, and yet if she’s already corrected someone once and they didn’t get the picture then your assistant sounds like kind of a dick.

And yet I can’t help but feel you haven’t shared enough. Go on, it’ll be good for you.

There is no possible way Clinton’s post had anything to do with actual pastry.

I wish I’d learned to love exercise as a kid. I love sports now and wish I could play (I get hives from All The Things, including sun, dirt, and sweat) but when I was younger my family decided I was the smart one and my brother was the athletic one and one person being two things was umpossible, obviously. Exercise…