She has already Killed Thanos once.

They play in a division with 3 incompetently-run franchises. They feast every fucking year.

Tom Brady will suffer a season-ending Achilles injury and the Patriots will sign Andrew Luck.

And the only thing that can prevent another Patriots Super Bowl victory? This man:

And like that, the laughs of a million Steelers fans were suddenly silenced.

Let it go? The hurricane is white and has a hole—surprised he hasn’t married it yet.

I remember when the blowhard was certain all three of them would be all-stars. Now him and the other two are in obscurity where they belong, and the only one to make the NBA in the first place has been exiled to New Orleans.

Certainly:

for reasons that are still totally unknown to me, Bethel Johnson was a fucking beast in Madden ‘05. had a speed value of like 98. who knows why, but he was essentially unstoppable on bombs/hail marys.

Excellent summary, Matt

I knew I’d seen Brady’s hat before:

Assuming he’s not dead by now

NOPE NOPE DISMISS DELETE NOPE FUCK YOU WHY DID YOU PUT THAT IN MY BRAIN.

“Brenda, this party is really dying. UNLEASH THE KITTENS!!!”

Strategic kitten reserves are a staple of any good party.

Dan Snyder looks like the manager at the grocery store you worked at in high school.

The Super Bowl was so boring that people at the party didn't even stop talking through the commercials. The hosts had locked away their kittens but let them out at halftime to entertain us because the game sure wasn't getting the job done. 

I don’t think I’ve ever laughed outloud more reading an article in my entire life than I did this one. Many thanks