Fun fact: British Columbia was this close to joining the United States back after the Civil War. When the Dominion of Canada was created, it was just everything east of Ontario. West of Ontario was still British North America, an English colony.

THIS NEEDS EVERY STAR.

In a lot of ways he’s the FUCKING POLAR OPPOSITE of old-school. He’s basically a more conservative rendition of a hipster contrarian.

I’m old school—and back in my day we would’ve found a lake in a drought just so we could drown Colin Cowherd.

The chances of this story being true are 0%.

Meet Detective McNally (Denis Lery). A hard-nosed, Boston-bred by-the-books veteran cop. McNally has a new partner: Officer Jastremski (Kevin James), a pudgy, affable Chicago-born career traffic cop who is finally getting his chance to shine, and doesn’t want to screw it up. Watch McNally and Jastremski Tuesdays…

“More likely than not” is enough to rule against someone in any civil suit. It’s legalese, not just “well, gosh, I guess they did it...”

I’m in favor of resolving this as fairly and equitably as possible. Both Goodell and the Patriots need to be put on a rocket and fired directly into the Sun.

You really think the rest of the league is OK with Goodell pulling punishments out of his ass that keeps putting the league in the news?

Jello-pudding-eating motherfucker.

Your husband is a huge obnoxious Patriots fan and this is the first time you’ve cried out for help? Either you’re the most patient spouse ever or you got married this week.

Tell him to have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up

This is so misleading, as usual. “Kill you” is just how Aaron Hernandez refers to losing weight.

A guy I worked with was snake guy. He kept this python in a large enclosure, fed it rats or whatever the hell it eats, and had no problems. Then he got engaged. Sure, his now wife was ok with the snake, but she made him promise to get rid of the snake when they were having kids. He made the deal.

On Simmons, can you imagine how painful yesterday was for him? His arch-enemy (Goodell) comes down as hard as possible on his beloved Patriots and his ultimate man-crush (Brady), and he has nowhere to vent publicly. I would have hated to have been Mrs. Simmons or his kids.

THANKS, OBAMA!

Tom “Not So Terrific”

Jon Stewart: “Tommy...you cheating fucker.”