Every time I get a new phone the first step is to set it to manual. I don't know how anybody lives with their phone changing everything every time it's plugged into a computer. It's always seemed so dumb to me.

New cassettes come with digital download codes so… Joke's on you?

Well, the sugar is super bad. But soda also has phosphates… That shit actually eats your bones. So- take that as you will. If a person calls a frappaccino coffee though, I don't think I can reasonably call them worthy of their spending money.

Personally, I really like reading reviews that receive a C or lower… If they only looked at good stuff, I wouldn't have my schadenfreude satisfied properly. If there wasn't shitty pop music, there wouldn't be enough things I felt justified hating on. Maybe they did it for me and folks like me. Maybe it's because they…

I couldn't get past his description of all the strip clubs he's been too… Fucking connoisseur over here. But also, dude looks like if John Goodman and Martin Scorsese had a three way with the devil. Good lord, those eye brows.

I think you're right. At first I thought, "No way. Nobody Likes Star Wars. It's for losers." Then I realized… We're all losers. Star Wars is for us all.

Whole. A gaping whole, A.V. Club? Goddammit.

Star Wars XXX: The Squeakquel

I would extend most of this description to corporate office jobs. Something about 8 hours a day in a cubicle will force a person to reckon with the meaning of existence, usually to arrive at the conclusion that there is no meaning, and that all managers have given up on living consciously long ago.

I refuse to use the word sequel anymore when there is obviously a better choice out there.

I like mine better. I'm keeping it.

Man, to have that bad of taste in music is the real sin. If Jesus were alive, he'd probably be embarrassed to be seen with these people.

While watching, I think my face resembled someone sitting in a wind tunnel… Then the band came on and I actually laughed. Like my coworkers need any more evidence that I refuse to do my job. To my credit, I did survive the entire thing.

That explains it. You know, I know a couple of lions. Maybe you could get me in touch with the right people and we can get this ball rollin' again?

Wait. I thought it already was. That explains why we still let them on the streets!

But then they remembered: Cleanliness IS godliness. So they stopped worrying.

God's Not Dead 2: The Squeakquel

Cue the Obama is a Muslim-ers, "I never liked that Jesus guy anyway. He's definitely a Muslim. Look at his clothes!"

Nah, he'll get arrested for suspected terrorism as evidenced by his skin color, love of robes, and fancy Jesus beard.

I'm tickled by the fact that the only other role I remember young lawyer guy from is his turn as barely legal man candy in Desperate Housewives. God's not Dead, indeed. He seems to have a sense of humor.