Wait....Scarlett Johanson is middle aged????

"It's okay. You're only 15."
"No, I'm not. I'm 24."

Bummer about that year off. Your marriage marketability dropped 10%. If you cut your hair, you'll never snag an immature billionaire.

"The girls should not look angry. We do not want one with a sour face."

So, um, why is this on Jez?

The ONLY thing I can tolerate about Patti Stanger is the fact that occasionally she's like "Oh she's your dream girl but she's over 25? Tell me again what your problem is."

Are you aware that "refuse to retire" often means "refuse to be homeless and starve"?

Any marriage where you feel weird about pooping in your own house is not a strong one.

Poor Kanye. He takes life so, so seriously and it backfires on him when he deals with everyone else.

I just... I just... GAHHAHHAH!

Way to bury the lede, there, Anna.

The residents of Boston yell "Fuck you" in just the same horrifying accent each and every time.

I've been to plenty of BBQ's/cookouts where there was fruit salad. A heck of a lot more than had a deep fryer in the corner making french fries, that's for sure

You're... leaving???

• Today is my last day so bye, guys! It's been the rillest.

Oh my god, I read this headline as "President Bush wants to get pics of your vulva" and now I need to scrub my brain with bleach.

Please say you're kidding about leaving... Your Dirt Bag's are my FAVESIES!

"I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one's I am an insane person."