Anyone still reading? Then here's a true story:

While they're at it, can they also restore Lara Flynn Boyle's face?

There was some Jean-Claude Van Damme movie where he turns to the camera at the end, pulls down his pants and says, "I dood it!"

Their fingers are sticky with whatever sticky stuff old men put their fingers in, like Geritol or tapioca pudding or poop! Ha ha! Take that, Rolling Stones!

I'm 37 and I've already fucked Valerie Bertinelli, Nigella Lawson, Marcia Gay Harden and Marie Osmond this year. It can be done, brother.

I was once in a restaurant, and Dustin Hoffman was there, and after he wiped his mouth with a napkin and left, I ran over and picked up his napkin and shoved it into my underwear and wore it like that for a whole weekend.

The most appropriate context for that comment, I believe, would be for while he is raping someone.

Every time I see a picture of Kevin James, I want to take a crap.

In 1971, Spain was still under the Franco dictatorship, so it wouldn't have been that much fun for an American tourist anyway.

Mork & Meredith

'80s Don totally comes up with "Where's the beef?"

The cactus represents all the little pricks she'll have to put up with at McCann.

"the film has also sold… to Tykwer’s own X Filme in Germany."
So Tom Tykwer sold his own film to his own distribution company? What a master negotiator!

ROLLINS, YOU'VE BEAT ME AGAIN!

I admire Ronnie James Dio, but surely I'm not the only one who thinks he's a dead ringer for Rhea Perlman?

Now do a supercut of all the times Meryl Streep says "Kiss my snatch."

No, I was playing a game called "scrotum tag" and I'm never playing it again.

(Alston shrugs.)

I put my balls on a stranger's face. Not as fun as it sounds.

Can't wait to hear her sing "Father's hunting in the forest… Mother's cooking in the home…"