The Cosby Show and Seinfeld used to be on the same night! I mean, maybe Cosby isn’t the best example anymore, but still.

“I think it’s clear by 2016 that films about slavery do not help us become a more tolerant or understanding society.”

Perversely, I think it makes things worse. It makes racism look like something that happened a long time ago in one part of the country, rather than the whole damn history of the whole damn country.

The problem with hoarding cheap gas now is that your wildcard friend will cut the brakes on your oil tanker, resulting in a spectacular catastrophe.

If the Heyward fault destroyed the entire East Bay, I don’t think the tech bros in Santa Clara would even care. Santa Clara isn’t even connected to BART. It’s just barely “the Bay Area.” They'd only cancel the Super Bowl in order to keep up the absurd delusion that Santa Clara is San Francisco.

Lord knows the peer had it coming.

Wouldn't you be safer standing on the side of a straight road than on the outside of a curve?

Hot take: that dog’s owner needs to buy a damn leash before her dog comes in second place to a pick-up truck.

He’s writing the whole book in text message format. It will be titled “I Am The Prize: The Ken Kratz story.”

“I am the prize.” Don’t forget “I am the prize.”

If they wanted to deter bad behavior, they would want to be as visible as possible. And sometimes they do, and they'll pro marked cars in visible locations. But a car like that exists only for revenue generation, which is at odds with deterrence.

I hope a cop runs you over and then kicks your fucking teeth in.

“But broadcasting indignation is more satisfying, I guess.”

How dare he say that Idris Elba was good enough to get nominated! I'm surprised he even took his hood off for the interview.

He didn't have a siren on.

One guy is a reckless driver. The other is a reckless driver who assaulted and battered someone for no reason. If I intentionally rammed someone with my car and then beat them, I would go to jail.

That is indeed the context in which Gronk made this joke. I think it still applies here. He is saying that the Broncos like performing fellatio.

The Sanctimonious M.A.C.

“We’re going to zone to bring in more jobs, but we’re not going to zone to build new housing. When rent goes up, we’ll blame the transplants instead of ourselves, the idiots who voted for exactly that to happen.”

When it comes on the radio, I sing along with the trumpet instead of rapping along with Macklemore. The trumpet has more personality.