I like how all tattoos have to mean something. Like, bro, do you analyze every piece of art you’ve ever enjoyed to find the meaning behind it? Incidentally, most of my tattoos do mean something but some are just fun. I have lots of friends who just have cute shit because it’s cute.

Can we just shut this shit down right now? I have full sleeves and have never once had a problem wearing short sleeves at my jobs. I have a good career AND TATTOOS. The world is changing, my friends.

Hiya! Fatty here. I have a tattoo on the back of my fat arm that says ‘suck it’ underneath the image of a lollipop. I like to imagine people walking behind me and feeling judgy and reading it.

Her tattoos are the map of her life. This was a really interesting read, and I’m so glad to have seen it.

Yes.

Oof. You didn't read it, did you?

The one time I think it’s only fair to itemize is when some people at the table have copious amounts of booze while others drink water or Diet Coke. They shouldn’t have to subsidize your drinking, which can add hundreds of dollars to a bill; it simply isn’t fair, and I don’t allow it when I’m out (for clarity, I am…

There is always someone who manages to twist that knife even unintentionally.

Dating. I’m too fucking old for all the shit that accompanies it. The “I’m not looking for anything serious, just FWB”. I’m over it.

So much harder when you’re single!!

The dreaded birthday dinner. I’m done with showing up at a fancy-ish place during their busiest shift of the week and waiting for a table for 12 (Or is it 14? Did Beth say she was coming or not? And I’m not sure when Brendan’s flight gets in, I think his phone is off???) only to get split into two tables for 5 and 7…

Giving a shit about my physical appearance.

is this satire

- Caring whether a bar or a restaurant is cool.

Any concert/show where I can’t sit down. Officially too old for GA. It’s already later than my bedtime, give me somewhere to sit, preferably in VIP.

I’m too old to put up with shitty male behavior. I’m sorry, I’ve just had it. The catcalling, the violence, the entitlement, the leaving the seat up, all of it. If you can’t behave like a decent human being, you can get the fuck out.

I feel like Lambert’s Café needs to change its name to "Ow Bon Pain" after this incident.