Adam "I'll take 2 meats" Levine.

This happens every time I go to Chipotle. Last time I thought, "Am I ordering all wrong?" And had a serious conversation with myself how next time I order at Chipotle I'll just tell them I want a burrito. Then they can ask me their questions. Point: don't say "I'd like a chicken burrito please," because they can't…

I need that shirt for sour cream.

I get awkward at Chipotle when they go off script. I just keep answering the standard questions like a confused robot.

As long as it takes his dad first.

I know we're not supposed to wish violence on someone, but what if it's a mountain lion or a meteorite that just happens to finish off Justin Bieber, is that okay?

I don't feel bad for her. She's going to a low-security white collar prison. If anything, I think it will do her good. Maybe (MAYBE) she will come out of this as a better person and learn a little humility.

Olivier Martinez sounds like such a fucking bully. I no longer feel that bad about the snow globe incident in "Unfaithful."

I have a feeling this is going to be a rude awakening, and I kinda wish it was being filmed.

GOD HE WAS SO FUCKING HOT IN THIS HELP

Because something is very wrong with me, I have been counting down the days until Guidice reported to prison and the first thing I did this morning when I got online was look to see what had been written about it. Then I got kind of happy.

If Olivier keeps this ish up, Halle will use it in their custody battle. Just saying!

I can just see my crafty, cheap, magnificent bastard of a husband coming up with some clever scheme to somehow fake a divorce to score a new phone.

Oh my god! That sweater story. I'm similarly really insecure about presents and would much rather not get or give any. It's stressful having to give the "correct" response to everything.

As I have been reading these stories, I am increasingly reminded why Christmas has never been my favorite holiday either. The pressure surrounding gifts is ridiculous. When I was growing up, we were poor (single mom) and our presents were often hand me downs that had been refreshed: A second-hand bike that my grandpa…

Just write the name. It's too hard to get it without the example.

Worst: My parents have been divorced since before I was born, but randomly in my childhood my dad would want visitation (he lived, at times, between 1-8 hours away). One year the day after Christmas he brought me with him and his wife and my half-siblings to his sister's house. Everyone was given incredibly…

The worst gift I ever received was from my mother-in-law. Apologies in advance; this is "War and Peace"-length.

Two years ago, from my very Catholic, very pro-life grandmother to me, her very atheist, very pro-choice granddaughter:

My best Christmas gift ever was a cross-country ski package. I had mentioned a couple times that I'd loved x-country skiing as a kid but I hadn't even considered asking for a package for Xmas because we were newly-weds and poor. Anyway, on Xmas morning, I opened the present under the tree and it was the boots. Mr.…