To be fair, that’s an Australian cow. It’s size is greatly exaggerated by the Mercator projection.

I’m the youngest of a multiple children. Despite the fact we age at the same rate, I’ll always be the baby who needs taking care of even though I’ve loaned money to all my siblings at one time or another. Even though I’m in my 40s with a family and career, my sister will explode about once a year and yell at me to get…

Yeah, he was even warned. He at least should have given up once his bible was shot with an arrow. Hello! Message from god! I’d turn back if I were you!

Uh...no. Fuck that guy and fuck you for defending him. 

Oh shut the fuck up. No one knew had a gun and anyone would easily tell him to mind his fucking business if he butted into your transaction with some racist BS. You know who else might have had a gun? One of the kids. Where’s your advice for the fat racist to mind his own fucking business?

You don’t play roulette with cubes, silly! You play craps.

I've seen it. They have wombats at Brookfield Zoo. Also, wombats will fall asleep on their back and snore. They're quite delightful. Not sure about their killing capacity, as they are Australian.

When I was in sixth grade, I was singled out by the kids in my class for bullying, on the grounds that I wore Reebok sneakers matched with Nike socks. It stopped when one of the kids reached down to try and pull up my pants and see what my socks looked like, only for me to try and kick him in the face.

The Onion Knight quoting Pratchett may have just given me a geek infarction.

“The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.

You don’t need a wok for bibimbap. you need a crock or a stone bowl. That item on sale is a serving dish masquerading as a wok.

You don’t need a wok for bibimbap. you need a crock or a stone bowl. That item on sale is a serving dish…

I wear lacy thongs on the regular to work, not because I am looking to be sexed, but because 1) all of my thongs are lacy thongs, and 2) thanks to the miracle of fashion and cultural norms, ladies’ work pants require the wearing of thongs. 

Here’s an idea. How about we bring back actual witch-hunts, but for suspected rapists?

MBJ: I don’t only date white women.

If someone was like “I’ll buy you a car worth half a mil,” I wouldn’t be like “Oh no, a Ford Focus is just fine for me!” Be fucking greedy! These dumbass men are willing to throw piles of money at beautiful women for the pleasure of their company? Take them for all they are worth.  You aren’t going to be young…

I do not understand using a raft like that in open water if it’s not tied to a boat.   It’s a fucking dumb thing to do.

Bring Your Own Tupperware. In the interest of letting not one spoonful go to waste, guests should feel free to arrive armed with plastic tubs aplenty to fill up with their favorites as they head out the door.

Disproportionately chocolate dessert? No, chocolate is an unwelcome interloper at Thanksgiving, which is the holiday holding two chocolate-heavy holidays (Halloween and Christmas) apart. The dessert table should ideally be pie-centric with jell-o / whip alternatives.

“Take crap, add potatoes, and cheese (and probably some can of soup) and slam it into a casserole dish. Top with crushed potato chips and bake until hot. Wait for your bitch aunt Susan to say ‘on my gosh!’ as she has been brought to orgasm for the first time in 50 years.”

You forgot to include a recipe for hotdish.