The lady in the Olive Garden lake of marinara sauce has to choose you, then you have to pull a pasta fork from a block of extra hard cheese.

I don't think he has 20-year-old friends. I think he knows some 20-year-olds who tolerate him and he specifically is bringing it up to make himself not sound old since there is no way he is looking for a female who is his age. Also, when people call you too "intense" it is not because they think you are…

This is so annoying. There are many, many things wrong with the Catholic Church but the belief that evolution does not conflict with Catholic teaching has been upheld since the 1950s. Catholic fundamentalism really is quite a different thing from Protestant fundamentalism.

As has been pointed out numerous times on any number of outlets (including Gawker), this is not new for Catholics. Catholicism has never believed in Biblical literalism, evolution has pretty much always been a non-controversial idea, and the guy who first proposed the Big Bang Theory, Georges Lemaître, was a Catholic…

I wouldn't give a shit about money either if I already had as much of it as Chelsea Clinton does.

THAT's what I was thinking. This guy's life just got so much better! He will ride the high of this for a really long time. Tough day at work? Sure, but now I poop SO MUCH BETTER!

We're thinking about this all wrong. This isn't sad or funny. It's fantastic! When's the last time you've had a major epiphany that made your life substantially better every single day for the rest of your life?

And here's his Aunt Rosemary singing the song they danced to for their first dance.