Not a joke, I had to check this on Google. If you asked me about the Falcons before this moment I would have told you they were a 2002 expansion team.

Mark my words, it’s going to get real bad.

My younger sister moved up to Milwaukee a few years ago for work and began dating a die-hard Packers fan shortly after. They are set to be married next month. I’ve ignored the fact that he bought her a Rodgers jersey and that she’s worn it, love will make you do stupid things, and I’ve retaliated by giving her Bears…

Sure, Amell might be embarrassed right now but this serves as a first rate audition for my upcoming epic C’mon, Man, I’m Wide Open: The Christian Hackenberg Story.

when I was a kid (maybe 5th grade, not sure) my friend’s family took us to Cedar Point (where every Michigan kid went in the summer). Before we crossed the border into Toledo my friend said “my dad’s coworker told me people in Ohio are really weird.” The first thing we see in Toledo - a man walking down the street…

coming from Michigan, the home of Dr. Kevorkian, I’m pretty sure his “Death Machine” was just having dying patients watch Lions game. 

Spoiler alert: In an article about what happens in a movie, what happens in the movie will be discussed. If you do not wish to be exposed to what happens in the movie, do not read an article about what happens in the movie.

He’s been giving him boxing lesson since he was in utero

Miami Coach: “Men, all you have to remember is T.N.T.! OK? T stands for Maximal Conditioning! N stands for Knowing the plan! And T stands for Ball security! Easy!”

This fucking team released a hype video of its new quarterback completing short passes. That’s not just setting the bar low, that’s burying it — probably because they intend to let Eli run this team until he’s dead.

What about the droid attack on the wookies? It’s a system we cannot afford to lose, and yet you chose to write about this particular tragedy instead.

oh yeah dude. huge oversight on my part not including a lengthy aside disavowing ariana grande in this post. I'll get right on that 

*slowly velcros back on shoes and shirt*

“Sure, a few of your team’s players were involved in horrific off-season domestic violence incidents, but luckily for your squad they’ve suffered pretty much zero consequences!”

This is cheating.  This is like if the debate was “what’s worse: seasonal allergies or a summer cold,” and your answer was “shitting yourself to death from dysentery.” 

Bed bugs is the correct choice. 

fooooooooootballlllllllllllllllllllllaghdsl;kgndgvhlbgdg

The NFL is so average. It seems like every year the leagues collective win-loss is right at .500

fuck you, my team has no kicker

Sure they did, “vertical threat” it’s right in there man.