Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody.

I have no background in skiing, but I have to commend you on these explanatory articles about the sport. I have gained an appreciation for the athleticism and power these skiers display.

What the hell does it mean to "hate most lawsuits?" If you want a third party liability carrier to pay your claim for an injury that you suffered because of someone else instead of, you know, not having any money to pay medical bills and make up for your lost wages, you often need to sue the party that was…

Fast-forward to a year from now. Drake is slated for the cover of Rolling Stone, but Clint Eastwood dies that week. Drake is bumped for a picture of 2 empty chairs.

I imagine Noah's smoothie would be called the Pineapple Express.

3X gold pants are a bit tight in the thighs.

Leave Darren Sproles alone.

Yay! She can get blown back five yards like a ragdoll and not die. Gender equality!

Proud of you Jennifer. Don't listen to the assholes. This is how progress is made. Two steps forward, then a hesitant shuffle to the side, and then WHAM, three steps backwards through the air.

Are we supposed to be impressed by this broad? She sucks.

Which is somehow less acceptable than white man-black woman?

The US Bobsled team approached GM first, but their solution was to put a bigger engine in it.

Then they asked Ford for help, but the design they came back with had a solid beam axle in the back, for some reason.

Chrysler's sled design was also a complete failure, as it looked exactly like the last gold medal sleigh,…

Usually I have an off-color comment to make... but it's serious time. Before I had a son, I'd have called Martin a pussy. I'd have expected him to deal with it, because that's just how shit goes sometimes.

Ahh, "context." Because doing any of these things would be fine as long as other people in other locker rooms are doing them.

Calling bullshit. No one's favorite candy is fucking push pop or bit-o-honey.

Bynum: RAINDROPS!

Or the Devil is taking them all for himself.

It's still a more functional Left Eye than Lisa Lopes.

[takes a shot]

You sound like a hoot