People who are never going to get a movie made.

Yes. Also all my movements are controlled by Jim Henson's ghost.

Fred lacks the strength of his convictions. If I got the chance to be a Sleater-Kinney roadie, then come hell or high water and fuck my Muppet arms, that shit would be lifted.

Would love to get inside the head of the guy who wears a blue Leon Lett jersey to a playoff game in 2015.

Thousands of drunk uncles are cursing and throwing things right now

Think that's bad? You should see him get down at a Better Than Ezra concert.

My balls fit in a guy's mouth on the regular. They don't need that much room.

This is like someone breaking into an art gallery and then, when ordinary people can't go to the gallery for 2 months because it's being repaired, claiming they just did it "to show that the owners should invest in some better security".

"After a while, they left me alone," he said. "But it was always that elephant in the room."

Well, that's one way to tailgate

Is that Lebron?

The decision of who is Time's Person of the Year will likely be announced sometime in mid February in your chiropractor's waiting room.

He cried for your grins.

Keep in mind that Drew takes the crusts off his pizza slices. So, don't trust him on anything pizza.

Please, someone has to have tape of New York sports radio from the next day. That must have been glorious.

Darren Wilson promptly shot Nate Robinson.

All those dogs are dead now.

Richard Sherman saying "Geez Louise!"

Taylor Swift has been reported fleeing the scene.

Ass Pennies...