Smile! Because baby/honey/gurrrl, you're too pretty to look sad, and you should focus on whether or not your face is pleasing to men.

But don't smile too much, or we'll have to kill you.

BUNNIES AREN'T JUST CUTE LIKE EVERYBODY SUPPOSES.

OMG well you put an exclamation point on it so I guess that's the end of that!

That guy's just lucky his girlfriend was the first reporter on scene and Geraldo Rivera didn't take on this investigative challenge.

I suppose we could try reporting about breaking news through a free medium like smoke signals.

Someone on NPR was interviewed after putting in 20+ years in prison, and he said something along the lines of, "If you really want to punish someone, rehabilitate them. If you make them feel the shame and pain of their actions, they'll carry the burden their whole lives."

You are assuming the rehabilitation is the easy way out, which explains a lot about where we are as a country.

Well, Flint's a disaster, but Detroit...the bankruptcy gets all the national headlines, but those stories miss the land rush and new biz surge that started pretty much the moment that bankruptcy was declared. Municipal bankruptcy is designed to establish a floor below which the city will not sink; once various moneyed…

this, like... encapsulates what it means to be high: "Until, about a half hour later I realized that for every race, I'd been looking at the wrong screen. Rather than winning, Peach was just bashing her shit into the wall over and over. Worst fucking downer."

Guys. For $2 I will kill you off on my Tumblr devoted to Jezebel commenter fanfic. Be the first one to die in the next edition of my hit series "Lesbian Shitasses 3: Problematic Lentils and Diva Cups."

He loved her so much, he would often kiss the air that sailed out of her left nostril. Are you uncomfortable with love, friend?

He didn't take shit back then either. And he was hilarious. I remember him going off on our biology teacher about something and storming out of class. He really liked leaving.

Dear Dana,

Having pushed out a 9 pound baby 8 days ago, I would just like to give a resounding NO THANK YOU. Nope. Nope nope nope. That shit hurts like hell: I can't imagine how much worse it would have been without an epidural (even if it was wearing off during delivery—it was SOMETHING!) You do you, woods ladies and natural…

TMZ:

These are all people who have already had babies in hospitals who had unsatisfying experiences

My 50-something pot-smoking pretend-hippie parents were all over this book a few years ago—way ahead of the Goopster. It was pretty embarrassing/ridiculous filling up a glass from the 5 gallon water jug — a jug which my father had in black sharpie scrawled "PEACE" and "LOVE" backwards on, so the water could "read" it.…

I'm showing up in this shirt: