Your neighbor has a donkey?

Oh man, that idea was in response to a comment I made, and then I said I’d shut it down. Eep!

The actual funeral for my grandfather? Was fine—as fine as something like that can be. It was the day after that things got bad—9/11/01.

No, he knew. My grandmother was pregnant already when they met. It was a big deal because he was always kind of an asshole who has to make everything about him while being completely irrational. He was the kind of man who, in his mid twenties, would insist on marrying a pregnant 16 year old he’d known for a few weeks.

There really seems to be a common theme with these stories today. Someone always has their own perogative.

My relatives on my dad’s side are some good old, cow-raising, county-fair-clogging, bad-teeth, mullet-and-gun-loving, country trash. When my great aunt died, one of her sons leaned over the casket, bawling and wailing, and kissing the corpse. Then her casket was carried out by her pall bearing teenage grandsons, who…

Wow! That’s awesome. The same thing happened when my grandmother passed. I wasn’t there, unfortunately, but one of my great uncles got up and started doing a sermon. No one stopped him, however, from what I heard.

Number 2 on your list is strikingly common. My sister attended the memorial for a dear family friend who was like a father to us, and his ex-wife’s church completely took over the ceremony. There was nothing about his life, only long lectures about how he “got right with God at the end” and how happy they all were…

He never came back. #HateLick

Now, LBJ, there's a president that often doesn't get as much credit as he deserves. Plus, I love him simply for that recorded phone call where he's ordering special pants for his ginormous balls.

So you’ve got blood coming out of your wherever?

Does it take some special device or flexibility training to be able to get your head that far up your own ass?

Good Lord! I thought you said "couch," and really enjoyed that!

I lived in Alaska for a summer and one sunny night a moose came right up to my room window with his big moose nozzle. Scared the crap outta me (those things are ginormous)

We work so quickly and swiftly and politely here that you didn’t even realize you walked away with a BRAND NEW LIVER (said with the enthusiasm of Rod Roddy)!! Also, you’re now up on all of your vaccinations; you’re welcome from the people of Canada!

Here in Canada, our hotel safes double as walk-in closets and also provide universal health care.

The thing that gets me is when people do something gross while wearing their gloves, then handle food, like the fact that they have gloves on makes it better.

If they have a sketch about a guy who believes on some level that if two words rhyme that they have the same meaning, then yes.

“Scotch flavored liqueur”

I’ve found another of my people! I get genuine anxiety when trying to order anything other than beer. It would be super helpful if all drink menus showed what kind of glass the drink comes in. “Just give me anything dark that comes in tumbler.”