Find a good barber. They can hook you up. Just let your beard grow out for a while and go in with a pic of what you want. 

THANK YOU FOR ASKING MR CROW I AM NOT ALRIGHT

Keeping Dawn dish soap in my bathroom has been a life saver. Best thing ever for showers and tubs! Dawn and a scrub brush are all you need.

I guess it depends on your relationship.

Or, “How nice to be comfortable.” 

I’m so sorry. Be gentle with yourself. Even if you can’t sleep, be sure to rest, and don’t forget to eat. <3

I’m so sorry. :( 

Maybe just say “Good morning Principal Nicelady, my scores are now posted to my certificate, so everything is set on my end. This is awkward, but is there still a position open for me? I’d like to let my current admin know as soon as possible if I am not returning.”

Counter protesters stood across from the march I attended holding up gruesome anti abortion signs. As I passed by him I told them, “Jesus would be on the other side of the street.”

I feel you on that. 

I’m a working mom and I think she’s full of shit and doesn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground. Sorry.

Counterpoint: Rocky Road is among the most under appreciated ice-cream flavors.

Agree with VBinNV. I know it’s embarrassing, but that will pass. You didn’t say anything wrong in the text that she received. You can ask her if she still intends to offer you the job when HR opens and briefly explain the time pressures you have. 

Yes. I feel like this list was also missing “suspicious person” and “youth.”

I think she’d like Walnut Creek. 

My neighbor’s kid sat in the backyard yesterday, blowing tunelessly on a recorder, for an hour. This is why they make white noise machines. (apt name is apt)

...except she sells weed! 

It tastes like baby aspirin. Never again!

Hang in there. :) 

HALO TOP IS NOT ICE CREAM! The first bite tastes good, but the second bite?  What is that shit, honestly?